DON’T SHIT IN THE HALLWAY, DARLIN’

What is it with these idiots?

We need to get down to the business of calling a spade a spade for a change and stop farting and fucking about looking for some wider reason or societal cause in order to explain why so many footballers are so very bloody stupid.

I mean, let’s face it.

We’re just not dealing with very bright people here.

And they’re happy with being not very bright people, ‘cause they don’t know any different and they don’t want to know any different ‘cause to know different would mean learnin’ stuff and learnin’ stuff hurts. Help, mummy.

Now, God knows, there’ve certainly been times in my life when I’ve been drunk, staggeringly, stupidly drunk. But at no such time have I ever gone wandering through a hall or a corridor somewhere and thought, “I need to poop. This looks like a good spot.”

As far as my own toilet training goes, I can’t really remember as I was pretty young at the time but it seems to have stuck with me thus far, ‘cause at no time in my life have I needed a refresher course. It’s not like I was 13 or 14 years old and on my way out to a mate’s place my mother had to say, “Remember, Ross, don’t go pooping in other people’s rooms”, “Oh! Okay! Thanks for the tip, mum” …

No, I’ve been drunk, stoned, drunk and stoned, high, low, up, down, left, right, a kaleidoscopic mélange of whacked-out, wobbly-brained, insistently incoherent, wired-up weirdness to the nth degree of odd at times, but at no such time did I ever feel compelled to take a poo in some random hallway.

And certainly not a hotel.

I mean, you’re in a hotel, for Christ’s sake, it has rooms. Find yours, open a fucking door and go to the fucking toilet. They even give you paper for when you’re finished. So you don’t have to drag your arse up and down the carpet runner in the corridor. Some people leave their plates out there when they’re done eating, you know. It’s not sanitary.

So, let’s just call a spade a spade, shall we?

Footballers are just plain-as-the-nose-on-your-face staggeringly fucking stupid.

Most of them, that is.

Because I’d hate to be accused of making any broad generalisations here, y’know?

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Well, I wouldn’t hate it.

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I’d be a bit iffy.

Whatever.

But, look. It’s not as if your average idiot footballer goes on in later life to write critically acclaimed works of literature when their careers are done. Become incisive journalists of great merit and note. Carve out glittering careers for themselves in the arts and sciences. Reap glittering prizes as they go. A certificate or three, some honorary titles.

No.

Mostly, they’ll just open a car dealership somewhere.

A shop for vacuum cleaner accessories, maybe …

But, seeing as how they’re just stupid bloody footballers, their businesses go bust in twelve months and by then they’re too old to get another job so they just sit at home all day and drink beer and get fat and then they get into drugs and prescription painkillers and speed and the like and spend all their spare time in the company of shadowy underworld figures who coerce them into doing shadowy things for wads of shadowy money and then one night they try to hold up a chemist for a carton of Sudafed but they don’t know that the chemist has seen “Taxi Driver” 96 times and forges prescriptions for himself and has gone quite insane as a result and tonight he thinks he’s Travis Bickle and he pulls a shotgun out from under the counter and blows a hole in their heads and their brains go spurting like a half kilo of wet mince all over the Rexona deodorant poster and dribbles onto the shelf below where the eyecare products are kept.

Next to the display dump bin of Listerine, two for six bucks, on special.

That’s what happens to footballers.

Because they’re all so fucking stupidly fucking stupid, the stupid fucking … fucks.

There you go.

If you know any small children, you should tell them that. Teach them.

As a precautionary tale.

Like “Red Riding Hood” …

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Or “Last House on the Left”.

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Maybe leave out the curse words.

Being fucking kiddies and all.

WHEN ONLY THE RIGHT WILL DO

This grubby little cunt's desperate effort to turn a racist, anti-semitic madman's violence into something symbolic of "leftist" hate is the latest example of the rising din of stupidity and hysteria from those who call themselves "conservative" and "right-wing" and labour under the delusion that violence is, and can only ever be, endemic to the "left".

There's certainly no hate here, is there? ...



No, no, no, there's no hate on this side of the political spectrum. Never has been. They're sweet and cuddly little sunbeams for Jesus.

These are the type of people who give rational-minded conservatives a bad name. Whether one is of the "right", or of the "left", neither side can claim for themselves a monopoly on sanity and common sense as there are fruitloops batting for both teams and it's the fruitloops who always holler the loudest and for the longest time, attracting attention simply by virtue of their ability to throw fistfuls of shit about on a regular basis like so many monkeys in a cage.

And their existence, their actions and their views soil the minds, the souls and spirits of those of us on each side of the spectrum who are not so arrogantly convinced of our righteous infallibility in all things that we may claim all evil and all that is and has been bad in the world is the fault of one side and one side only.

For to do so would be to reveal oneself as a vacuous, drooling, twitching and ignorant imbecile of the highest order.

As for Bolt, well, fuck him. A gutter-dwelling, dog-whistling grub of the lowest order, a talentless and spectacularly banal hack who is to journalism what Jacqueline Susann once was to literature.

Popular in their time, but barely relevant to anyone and anything after it.

It's not journalism. It's not reportage. It's not even analysis. It's the sound of a man way out of time and way out of place whistling vintage tunes out of his arse, expecting his acolytes to gather round for a sing-along while someone resembling Walter Brennan plays pianola in a bar.

It's crap.

And I can't read any more of it.

Therefore ...

Bookmark deleted.

Life's too short, and there are better things to do with it.

CREEPY CRAWLY

When I first thought of the name for this blog, I realised it might, to some people, imply something weird, as in sexual weird. As in, some strange fetish or whatnot.

But it’s not that at all.

The name is the title of a song from the early 1970’s by San Francisco pop nutjobs The Residents and later covered by their frequent collaborator in crimes against music, Snakefinger (who is now dead, just in case you didn’t know).

It seemed like a good idea at the time, and I love The Residents to bits and have done for over 30 years now. And I realised that the name would allow me to do silly things with puns and plays on words and such, like Tongue-In-Chief and The Tongue Commandments.

Okay?

Fair enough.

But fuck me if some of the things people are looking for, some of the search terms people use that seem to bring them (very briefly) to this place are just plain creepy, in a chilly, shiver up the spine way. Variations on the two words in the title of this blog. That make me wonder, “These people should be in fucking jail”.

I’m not going to list the terms.

Use your imagination. Use your imagination in a way that you normally wouldn’t want to use it.

And then go a bit further.

Sometimes, it makes me want to give up the internet altogether, to shun it, and go back to entertaining myself by reading more books and seeing more movies and eating out more.

To stop writing this blog, and maybe try my hand at writing something real for a change. You know, writing something with an intent.

I thought all the stupid, creepy people were over here.

But no they’re not.

They’re every fucking where.

I suppose I could just not look at my blog statistics any more. I have no idea what half of them mean anyway (Bounce rate? Huh? Bouncing from, or bouncing to? Whyfore you bounce? Boing, boing. Honestly, the internet has some stupid bloody names for things).

Maybe I’ll just do that.

Or maybe I should just get a life.

I WISH I'D WRITTEN THAT ... PT.2*

Never a truer word has been written …

From "The Onion"'s article of August 6, 2008 "Local Idiot To Post Comment On Internet" ...

HAZEL PARK, MI—In a statement made to reporters earlier this afternoon, local idiot Brandon Mylenek, 26, announced that at approximately 2:30 a.m. tonight, he plans to post an idiotic comment beneath a video on an Internet website ...

... Mylenek, who rarely in his life has been capable of formulating an idea or opinion worth the amount of oxygen required to express it, went on to guarantee that the text of his comment would be misspelled to the point of incomprehension, that it would defy the laws of both logic and grammar, and that it would allege that several elements of the video are homosexual in nature ...

... "We are blessed to be living in an age when we have a global communications network in which idiots, assholes, and total and complete wastes of fucking human life alike can come together to give instant feedback in an unfettered and unmonitored online environment," Mylenek said. "What better way to take advantage of this incredible technology than to log onto the Internet and insult a complete stranger?" ...

According to media critic Judy Turner, this type of behavior is not uncommon among idiots.

"Brandon's comments in particular contain a degree of unoriginality and stupidity that you only see in the most muttonheaded and imbecilic Internet commenters," Turner said. "In fact, I've seen him use at least a dozen variations of the word 'gay.' Suffice it to say, Brandon Mylenek is a truly stupid, stupid idiot."

Mylenek concluded his press conference with a solemn vow to uphold the awful, unintelligible, anger-inducing quality of his past Internet comments.

"I promise everyone that this post will be exactly what you have come to expect from an idiot like myself," he said, "and that I will check my comment regularly so that I can call everyone who says it's stupid a fag.

Sums up the so-called "blogosphere" quite nicely, don't it?

Interactive technology. Feedback. Your say. Your comment.

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IT ALL SUKS G!R!E!E!N!I!E FAGGETS WHAYLE DIK!!!!!!!!.

LOLS!!!!!!!!!!!#!#!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)D




*Part 1 is here, if you could be arsed. I couldn’t. That’s why this is such a lazy bloody excuse for a blog post. Anyway, I’m very busy …

… Well, it’s my fuckin’ blog! Oh yeah? Fuck off. Go on!? Fuck off! You can’t answer me, can you? You’re a fucking liar! Come here and say that! Oh, yeah? YEAH?!!!

Cross this line. Come on, cross it …

_____________


You won’t, will ya?

Gutless cunt.

Huh? Who? Your mother?

Lol.

A LETER TOO THE ARTHER

An actual letter (handwritten) addressed to a (former) political figure and author. This is an accurate transcription of the layout, spelling and rather odd little P.S. at the end …

I bought the your book, “- ------ -- ------” for 50 cents, a couple of months ago from the ---------- Library, -------- they bought it on Dec 2005 $33. and were getting Rid of It, in Setp./Oct, 2008, the Book was in pristine Condition, obviously not many people borrowed it, if any.
I myself read other books that I bought at the same time,
By looking at the Cover, it gave me the impression it would be a Boring Political Spiel.
However when I started reading it, I was Very Pleasantly Surprised, I am at Page 141 Half way In my opinion this is a TERRIFIC Book (“You cannot judge a book by its cover” applies here)
I want to THANK YOU for your contribution to Bettering the Lives of the Working Class of Australia, Especially when you being from a Middle Class family could very well Ignored the Issue as most people in your position do. (THEM I calling them) You are an Inspiration to me, you have Done, what I was thinking Should Be Done (But I was to Busy Working), but did not have the Knowleg to Bring it to Reality.
May I sugest that you reissue the Book, but with a Cover showing 2 Beatyful NAKED Women, (I am serius), People will them open the book (expecting something else) and some may get interested and get the Book and Read It, they Should.
Men will have the Book on their Desk, just to look at the Pictures but they will read some of it. (otherwise is a case of “out of Sight Out of Mind”)

Regars, Best Wishes to You and Your Family
J--- C------
----------, VICTORIA

2 Good Looking NAKED MEN for Women and Homosexuals

It will go very well with YOUNG PEOPLE today, (Sex, Drugs, Rock & Roll)

DO A SMALL RUN and see how it goes, (they will sell like hot cakes) if you are SCARED.

Scared?

Yes.

Very.

NO CHANGE FOR SOME

From the Southern Poverty Law Center via Alternet ...

"The Obama era comes after years in which white supremacists have successfully exploited the immigration debate – both providing racist propaganda that seeps into the popular culture and benefiting from the vilification of Latino immigrants. Mainly as a result of the bigotry and xenophobia surrounding the immigration debate, the number of hate groups operating in the United States has risen by nearly 50 percent – from 602 to 888 – since 2000.

Now, these groups have begun to turn their attention to Obama – distributing racist propaganda, filling Internet message boards with threats and messages of hate, and, in some cases, taking more direct action against minorities. Here is a sampling of racial incidents reported in the wake of the election:

Police in Riverside County, California, said five attacks on minorities were likely related to the election and were believed to have been carried out by a local white supremacist gang.

In Shreveport, La., a black man wearing an Obama T-shirt was brutally beaten by a group of white men screaming "f--k Obama" and "n-----r president." The attack left the man with a broken nose, broken eye socket and broken tear duct, requiring multiple surgeries.

In Springfield, Mass., a black church was burned hours after the election was called for Obama. Authorities later arrested three white men.

In Staten Island, N.Y., a black teen was bloodied and bruised by two white teens who shouted "Obama" while pummeling him with a bat and pipe.

In Rexburg, Idaho, second- and third-graders on a school bus chanted "assassinate Obama."

In Torrance, Calif., swastikas and racial slurs were spray-painted on homes and cars of people who displayed Obama signs or bumper stickers.

In Milwaukee, a poster of Obama with a bullet going through his head was discovered in a police station.

In Maine, a sign at a convenience store invited customers to join a betting pool on when Obama would be assassinated. The sign said, "Let's hope we have a winner.""

And it's not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them ...

ANDY'S CLOUDY CRYSTAL BALL

On Tuesday, January 27, 2009 at 02:23pm, Andrew Bolt predicts that the newly-elected U.S. President will be way too busy to bother giving Kevin Rudd a call any time soon ...

On Wednesday, January 28, 2009 at 9.24am, AAP reports ...

Barack Obama has made his first phone call to Prime Minister Kevin Rudd since becoming US president.

Mr Obama phoned Mr Rudd on Wednesday morning, Australian time, the prime minister's office confirmed.

No further details are available, although there is speculation the US will ask Australia to commit more troops to the conflict in Afghanistan.

WHEN YOU’RE SLAPPED, YOU’LL STAY SLAPPED

A self-taught Muslim cleric says some idiotic things, thereby revealing himself to be an idiotic individual, the Islamic equivalent of a Pastor Fred W. Phelps perhaps.

"Self-taught" says it all, really. Imagine being a "self-taught" nuclear physicist at a job interview ...

"And what are your qualifications?"

"Oh, I don't have any formal qualifications. I just learnt myself real good."

"I see."

"..."

"..."

"Atoms are small."

"Yes. Quite."

... If every political or religious cracker who ever yearned for a platform from which to spout their particular brand of lunatic bullshit were given equal time in the media, then our media (such as it is) would come more and more to resemble the rabble-rousing histrionics of an Andrew Bolt blog.

Unfortunately, every fuckwit within coo-ee of a microphone who happens to identify as Islamic, and tries to pass their religion off as justification for their fuckwittery is fair game for a few slabs worth of headlines, especially from the typists at Murdoch's toilet-paper tabloids who are always on the lookout for an opportunity for a new belch of dark-people panic. Not to mention an invitation to "outraged Aussies" to post "their say" on such matters, which they inevitably clamour to do and do with such admirable clarity of point, too …

The thing about Muslim clerics and their apologists in the leftist (read “ABC") media is that we don’t get to hear half of the rotten things they *leave out* of their toxic sermons. “Preparing bread on the stove” is she? Notice the complete lack of Sea Kittens in this picture?

Either the Muslims don’t cook Sea Kittens - which would be a complete rejection of the prophet Jesus, whose friends were fishermen - or they *do* cook Sea Kittens anddon’t want us to know about it!

Which is the more sinister?

Preparing bread on the stove. Yeah right. Not likely, unless that bread is going toward Barak Obabma’s hamburger which he ate on Air Force One (Obama’s hamburger, Tim. Seriously, “I ham what I ham.” Friday’s blog).

Barak Obama eating a hamburger (not a Sea Kitten, note) prepared by the wife of a Muslim cleric - in an unforgivable affront to the Jewish and Christian faiths! No! Just the Jewish one. Wait! Which one doesn’t eat ham again? Oh yeah, the Muslims.

bill of sydney (Reply)
Fri 23 Jan 09 (05:28am)

Fuckin' hell. I thought "bill" of sydney was a cafe. I'm never eating there again.

Why must so much of the media devote so much of its time and energies to breathlessly reporting the rantings and ravings of ignorant imbeciles like Samir Mohtadi as if those rantings and ravings mattered a damn to anyone with an ounce of common sense?

Rather than engage, argue or attempt to place such comments in any type of perspective as there is no perspective in which they can be placed unless you're a retard, the appropriate response is an offhand dismissal of the man as an utter fucking moron yabbering utterly moronic things to a small bunch of other utter fucking morons who've got nothing better to do with their time.

And, having done so, we may then move on to news of actual import and get on with the business of living in the world.

Here endeth the lesson.

THE 1ST ANNUAL SMELLY TONGUES "SNIFF MY FINGER" AWARDS ...

... For the relentless pursuit and presentation of random stupidities that will forevermore stand as a testament to how the human race eventually managed to devolve back into a puddle of pond-scum ...

THE "SOMEBODY FAMOUS FARTED" AWARD (or, "WHY THE FUCK IS THIS NEWS?") goes to ...

The Sydney Morning Herald for it's breathless report about how, when Lindsay Lohan's girlfriend Samantha Ronson arrived at Sydney airport in September, 2008, she exited the terminal and lit a cigarette.

As the story is uncredited, the award, a Vegemite jar of famous people's farts will be presented to former SMH editor Alan Oakley. What a whiffy way to go, Alan, old chap! Well done, what!

THE "PHILLIP TRAVERS" AWARD for incomprehensible chatterbot claptrap comments on the intertubes goes to ...

What a fucking field of worthy contenders, ladies and gentlemen, and my-oh-my-oh-my, did this one put our judges to the test this year! Two of them stabbed themselves in their eye-sockets, and another ripped his own face off in indecision, so I guess that leaves the choice of this year's inaugural winner up to myself. It was a last minute entry, but by God, it worked for me ...

From Scott Weinberg's Cinematical review of Frank Miller's film "The Spirit", "Serge G" had this to say ...

"I'd like inform you that Scarlett Johansson (actress)actually is a clone from original person,who has nothing with acting career.Clone was created illegally using stolen biomaterial.Original Scarlett Galabekian last name is nice, CHRISTIAN young lady.I'll tell more,those clones(it's not only 1)made in GERMANY-world leader manufacturer of humans clones,it's in Ludwigshafen am Rhein,Rhineland-Palatinate,Mr.Helmut Kohl home town.You can't even imaging the scale of the cloning activity.But warning,H.Kohl staff strictly controlling their clones spreading around the world,they're NAZI type disciplined and mind controlled,be careful get close with clones you will be controlled too.Original family didn't authorize any activity with stolen biomaterials,no matter what form it was created in,it's all need to be back to original family control in Cedars-Sinai MedicalCenter in LA.Controlling clones is US military operation.Original Scarlett never was engaged,by the way"

Congratulations, Serge! Your award is this very special lead coated space bar which will be presented to you in the form of a severe beating about the head. Enjoy your brain hemorrhage, Serge! You've earned it, baby!

THE "PIERS 'I CAN'T SEE MY PENIS FROM UP HERE' AKERMAN" AWARD for services to sexual hysterics, pedophile paranoia and moral panic about pretty much anything ado about fucking and genitalia goes to ...

Jesus Christ on a cross upside-down and split up the arse with a eucalypt log, people! Where the hell can we start with this one?! Ladies and gentlemen, this was a field stuffed to the stocking top with notable nominees and, to be fair to all, no one individual stood above any other. And so, in a historical first for award programmes across the globe, we are proud to announce that everyone's a winner!

Yes-indeedy-do, this year's award will be jointly and proudly shared by ... Family First Senator Steve Fielding for suggesting that adults should be banned from viewing adult material on the internet; Miranda Devine, Hetty Johnston, Kevin Rudd and Morris Iemma for having dirty thoughts about an image of a nude adolescent and thinking everyone else on the planet is just as obsessed with sex as they are (the dirty little fuckers); and Senator Stephen Conroy just because the dumb little cunt wasn't scraped, bagged and flushed into a toilet back when he was a zygote.

Our hearty congratulations to all! Your prize will be awarded to you backstage by forty-seven Masai warriors on ice, all of whom are right now feverishly working their sixteen-inch weapons of mass destruction into a lather of rhythmically throbbing gristle on your behalf and for your pleasure.

And remember, folks, bukkake ain't another word for a bridge-game! (Please remember to collect your super-size sponges from the stage manager afore you venture back to the green room, ta).

And, last but certainly not least! May I have a drum-roll and a boom-tish, please!

THE SNIFF MY FINGER "GOLDEN JACKBOOT" AWARD!!

Generously sponsored by Odour Eaters, Stormfront and the German National Democratic Party, this year's winner is ...

ANDREW BOLT!

For his inimitable irrepressibility, snide insinuations and suspect views about anything that ain't white, ain't right and ain't about 120 years old, Andy was always a frontrunner favourite for this award and, by dang and dagnabbity goshdarn, he deserves the recognition!

Andrew's prize will be a fully escorted tour (courtesy of the N.D.P.) to Passau where he will be encouraged to slit the throat of a police officer while uttering the words, "Greetings from the Herald-Sun and Rupert Murdoch, you left-wing police pig" ...

It oughta be a doddle.

Thank you all for your attendance and attention and we look forward to doing it all again next year.

Oh, by the way, if there are any footballers in tonight's audience, try to avoid raping the ushers on your way out, boys ... I know it's a party habit thing with you guys, but it takes a helluva long time to get the stains out of the carpet ... Why don't you just go home and shove a wine glass in your girlfriend's face instead, you gutless little fuckers? You'll get a talk show out of it, I guarantee ...

THE WAR ON WHITE PEOPLE

I’ve been blissfully unaware of the war that currently rages against white people such as myself, but Andrew Bolt has been bustin’ hisself lately to bring this latest threat against the dear hearts and gentle people of the commonweal to wider attention …

“David Warren on a new mixture of stupidity and ignorance:

Last Monday, the student council of Carleton University attracted much attention to their university and to the city of Ottawa—around Canada and the world—with their decision to cancel their annual Shinerama fundraising efforts on behalf of the Canadian Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. Their argument was that this disease afflicts ”white people and primarily men.” They would rather choose a charity that is more “inclusive.””

This little snippet of silly shit comes to Bolt courtesy of the obviously ‘lerted and ‘larmed “reader Perturbed of NSW” who’d been poking about the pages of the world-renowned journal of note, the Ottawa Citizen, and was so desperately disturbed by the behaviour of this globally influential university student council and their decision to raise funds for something other than the something they’d previously raised funds for that he/she felt an A.P.B. to Bolt and his Whackjob Patrol was in order .

For Satan’s godless minions are once again afoot.

(As an aside, a telling detail of the evil that stalks the land is that “Shinerama” contains the last 3 letters of the devious tobacco-suckin’ U.S. President-Elect’s surname which may just be enough to convince decent, God-fearin’ folk to start packing the shelters with bottled water, dried fruits and grains. Of course, “Shinerama” may just be a live action version of “Futurama” using ankle-sock puppets, but hell, why take chances at this perilous time in our lives?)

And so, devotees of Chaos Theory one and all, Bolt’s monkeys take this as just another signpost pointing to the impending end of civilisation as we know it …

“Western civilisation as we know it is in rapid decline, and history will show it was a suicide.” k1w1 of Brisbane (Reply) Tue 02 Dec 08 (12:49am)

“Then why don’t they piss off and join their inclusive brothers in the Middle East? Now there’s an inclusive culture for you where all are equal ..equally deranged that is .. “ frankly fed up of melbourne (Reply)

“The above says it all really..but what Cystic Fibrosis really needs is a touch of Islam to sanitize it and make it appealing to progressive thinkers like these dunderheads.” uptothebackteeth of Brisbane (Reply) Tue 02 Dec 08 (06:18am)

“I’ll bet these freaks are all in favour of AIDS “charities”, though. The type of behaviour that leads to that disease is ‘inclusive’ enough for them.” RWDB of Normalcy (Reply) Tue 02 Dec 08 (07:10am)

“Maybe this group could instead raise funds to combat Islamic Mental Derangement (IMD), a genetic illness that affects young, disaffected people used as tools by others who are even more mentally crazed … In the Islamic world, the main symptoms are an unbalanced sense of grievance and victimhood, and a desire to slaughter and terrorise others, wipe out all infidels, keep women in cages, institute brutality and cruelty and take the world back to the Dark Ages … In other parts of the world, particularly Western academia, the disease manifests itself in increasingly self-destructive and near-suicidal tendencies, a strong sense of imputed guilt, and a wish to toss away liberty, equality and hard-won freedoms with a view to undermining established democratic systems, all accompanied by an inability to think for oneself.” Baden of Sydney (Reply) Tue 02 Dec 08 (09:10am)

So, according to these colossal colonic polyps, three of them think this decision has something to do with the Middle East and Islam. That sort of flew under my radar, I must admit. Another thinks it has to do with gay sex. I missed that connection, too. Strangely, I thought it was about a bunch of students trying to decide which Canadian charity they’d throw their efforts into this time. But no, their decision is the flapping of a butterfly’s wings in the Amazon and a dark portent of times at their end.

And then, just when you think sanity is only a name for a chain of crappy music shops, along comes Bill from Tasmania …

“It’s their fundraising effort, they are free to choose who they do it for as we all are. Their reasons are nobody’s business but theirs.” Bill O Tas (Reply) Tue 02 Dec 08 (07:46am)

Nobody’s business but theirs?

Fancy that.

Bloody Tasmanians.

PENNE?

It's life Jim, but not as we know it ...

A MAN caught by police with his penis in a pasta sauce jar was still pleasuring himself while resisting arrest, a court has been told.

Police thought he might have a weapon because they saw him doing something with his hands in his lap, the Herald said.

Instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar, a police statement said.

Jar jar bonking.



From 1979, Amii Stewart “Knock On Wood”

THIS YOGHURT KILLS BABIES

I wrote this a while back (October 2007) on a blog that no longer exists (an early effort), however, in light of poor old Andrew’s mournful whining today about poor old Kevin Andrews, an apparently “cautious and deep[ly] Christian” fellow and an “honest man”, I thought it an apt and dandy time for a recycle …

Oh, those were the days, my friends, those were the days …

We thought they'd never end.

THIS YOGHURT KILLS BABIES (REDUX)

On the ABC television program "Insiders" of August 5, 2007, host Barrie Cassidy interviewed Kevin Andrews, the current Federal Minister for Immigration about his decision to deport Dr Mohamed Haneef on the basis of allegations that Haneef had been mucking it up and hooning about with some of those despicable terrorists we're forever being 'lerted and 'larmed about. Of course, most of these allegations have now been widely discredited and dismissed, and the good Minister Andrews in his desperately clumsy attempts to convince us all that his accusations were justified continues to reveal himself to be a man whose grey matter appears to comprise little else than a few dusty tumbleweeds and a blowfly.

And, aside from those pesky Indian doctors, Andrews ain’t too keen on foreign black folks either.

However, at the tail end of the interview, Cassidy began to ask Andrews about another matter entirely ...

Broadcast: 05/08/2007

BARRIE CASSIDY: I also read this morning that you are an adviser and an honorary patron to the radical - as it's described in the newspaper - radical pro-life group Life Decisions International. Is that true?

KEVIN ANDREWS: Look, I've been a patron, the Americans used the word "honorary adviser" because in America a patron is someone who pays money. I've been a patron of a pro-life organisation for about 10 years.

BARRIE CASSIDY: This group advocates economic boycotts against companies producing contraceptive pills. Is that something that you support?

KEVIN ANDREWS: Can I say, I'm a patron. I'm not involved and have never been involved in the day-to-day operation of the organisation. I'm, you know, patron of a variety of organisations.

BARRIE CASSIDY: But as a patron you lend your support to that organisation?

KEVIN ANDREWS: That's right.

BARRIE CASSIDY: And you wouldn't put your name to it unless you supported their tactics, and their tactics are to support an economic boycott against companies like GlaxoSmithKline, for example.

KEVIN ANDREWS: It's a free world, Barrie. People can advocate what they like. But as far as I'm aware, there's nothing illegal involved. As I said...

BARRIE CASSIDY: Nothing illegal about an economic boycott but it's something that you clearly support otherwise you wouldn't put your name to it.

KEVIN ANDREWS: Look, the bottom line is that this is an organisation which is pro-life. Everybody knows I'm pro-life. I'm patron of an organisation that's pro-life.

BARRIE CASSIDY: And pro-economic boycotts.

KEVIN ANDREWS: Well, as to the way in which they advocate a pro-life outcome, that's fine.

BARRIE CASSIDY: I'm just curious, one thing - what have they got against Walt Disney? Why are they demanding a boycott against Walt Disney?

KEVIN ANDREWS: (laughs) As I said, I'm not involved in their day-to-day operations. I'm a patron of it. I'm not running away from that. It's been on my declaration of interests forever and a day or ever since I've been a patron of it. That's that.

BARRIE CASSIDY: Thanks for your time this morning.

KEVIN ANDREWS: My pleasure.

Walt Disney aside, that Lion King of theirs having been long revealed to be queerer than a carpentry joint tacked together by someone with St.Vitus' dance, Life Decisions International also appear to be dead-set opposed to that infamous "culture of death" concept known as carpet on floors, listing among their "boycott targets", the companies Carpet One, Flooring America, Flooring Canada, and Flooring One.

Now, I know nothing of carpets, plush rugs never before having struck me as particularly sinister, but, perhaps summat's afoot aboot that lump of piles on my floor which has yet to shew it's evil intentions.

But why on earth would the poor old Coach Dairy Goat Farm of Pine Farms, New York be in their sights?

What have they got against a decent lump of curd?

WONDERS NEVER CEASE

Andrew Bolt reckons Obama weren't raised black, he were raised right, er, white.

One of Andy's simpering simians (Paul of Hervey Bay- Wed 12 Nov 08 (02:16pm) reckons ...

"Andrew, it is a fact that Obama has Black skin. When people meet him on the street they assume he is a black man."

Fancy that ...

ANAPHYLAXIS ALERT!

CAUTION: MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS.

ASK A STUPID QUESTION …

In response to Peter Beinart’s column in the Sydney Morning Herald this morning, I couldn’t resist …

Dear Editor,

"Why has America turned on Sarah Palin?", asks Peter Beinart (5/11/08). It's simple, Peter. Having handed the administration of their country to an idiot for the last 8 years, they're probably well in the mood for putting someone with a brain in charge for a change.

DEVINE ♥ PALIN

According to Miranda Devine, women don't like cut-snake crazy Sarah Palin because she's ... a woman.

I have a feeling, just a feeling mind, that many women don't like cut-snake crazy Sarah because she wants to take ownership of their wombs and insist that, even if they're raped, even if they’re raped by their own fathers, well goshdarnit, it was probably all their own fault anyway, and, dagnabbit, they should have the chil' cause that's what the Lord would want and if they are raped and the police have to do a forensic test, cut-snake crazy Sarah will send those women a bill for police services rendered.

I wonder if cut-snake crazy Sarah would think it a good idea to allow the rapist the right to bond with the child they're responsible for? Family's family after all, and next to God, guns, apple pie and mom, what would become of a child without a full set of folks?

Gay, most probably.

However, I have this sneaky suspicion, just a suspicion mind, that many women don't like cut-snake crazy Sarah because she's something of a piss-puddle in the Gobi when it comes to the depth-of-thinking department and also, she's just a fucking cunt.

GAME CALLED ON ACCOUNT OF DARKNESS

The Herald Sun's bargain-basement J.J. Hunsecker** seems to think that simply because a whole bunch of people believe Sarah Palin to be certifiably insane that that's no reason not to put her in charge of a whole bunch of very important things. J.J.'s a mite peeved that nasty folk like myself keep picking' on poor ol' dumb, cut-snake crazy Sarah. So what does J.J. see fit to do? He hauls out an interview with a left-wing Canadian politician whom he declares dumb/dumber as proof positive that teh left also have their fare share of brain-dribbling Forrest Gump types ...

Now, J.J., lift your head up from out of Rupe's lap for a bit, wipe yourself, take a swig of Listerine and pay attention, child -

1. Canada is not an American state, J.J.
2. Canada is a different place, J.J. It's up there. Above America. It's another country, actually.
3. America is not Canada, J.J. America is a different place. Below Canada. Down there.
4. Sarah Palin is standing for election in the United States, J.J. Not Canada. Okay?
5. Canada has fuck all to do with it, J.J. No elections there, J.J. They's hap'nin' in the Ewe-Nahted States, boy.

Look J.J, if it's idiots you want, every political party at every level of government in every country on the planet have more than their fair share of brain-dead dingbats in them. Always have. More so now.

Y’see, that's where all the brain-dead dingbats go these days, J.J. Into politics. It's the only “profession”, other than sport and the music industry that will have them. As well, I understand there are some pamphlets that masquerade as "news" papers that often hire the logic-disabled as a community service.

Congratulations.

As you were, boy.

** In order to properly honour and acknowledge J.J.'s vast audience of admirers, I shall now affix any post concerning his readership and himself with the tag "Crotch-Fiddlin' One-Tooth Farm-Animal Arse-Bandits". Credit where credit’s due, I reckon.

MY FATAL ERROR

I knew it wouldn’t last. Against my better judgement I popped over to Bolt’s blog to have a gander at his rattlings.

Now …

What the fuck does this mean? …

America’s Left clearly doesn’t worship Gough Whitlam the way our own feels he deserves. Here’s The Huffington Post’s Adam McKay in a panic attack:

"This is it folks. If McCain takes power we fade and become Australia in the seventies: a backwoods country with occasional flashes of relevance."

Weird: our Left fears we’re becoming too American; theirs frets the US will become too Australian. It strikes me these folks have a few differences to work through. They should get together and harmonise their lines.

WHAT ON EARTH DOES IT MEAN???!!

That’s the whole post. That’s it.

I haven’t been paying attention to anything Jimmy Olsen has been blathering on about for almost a month now. Honestly, it’s like a multi-vitamin shot to the brain. Now, having spied this one post on this one occasion, I fear all my good work has been for naught …

Brain function = Fatal Error. Fail.

Ctrl+Alt+Del = Restart ...

Brain function = File Not Found. Fatal Error. Fail.

Shutdown.

Send Error Report?

…

?

No, just bring me a beer …

Next time I get the urge to “read” something of Bolt’s, I’ll employ some CBT techniques and pop off to Bloody Disgusting instead.

A LOATHSOME, STUPID MAN

I don't intend to go into much discussion about this piece of contemptible filth by the boy-child typist from Melbourne's Herald-Sun as it is being appropriately dealt with and properly denounced over at The Blair/Bolt Watch Project.

However, upon reading the repulsive cunt's post yesterday, I was compelled to fire off a quick email to the ABC's MediaWatch, the first time I have ever done such a thing ...

Dear Media Watch,

I'd like to bring this item to your attention -

[Insert URL]

Andrew Bolt is attempting to draw some hysterical metaphor between the finding of a baby's body in a green shopping bag to the "environmental" movement.

It's an utter disgrace, and possibly one of the most maniacally stupid things I've ever read by Bolt. Some of the comments are worse.

I feel it warrants some attention from either yourselves or the Press Council.

Kind Regards
Ross Sharp.

Last time I checked on the post in question (this morning), there were 346 comments, which makes this remark by Darryl Mason on Blair/Bolt Watch very interesting indeed ...

“What’s even more fucked up than The Professional Idiot somehow connecting the tragedy of a dead and abandoned baby to people favouring far more practical ‘green’ bags over plastic is that Bolt gets bonus payments for heavy commenting and traffic flow on his blog. Payments that he demanded when advertising first began appearing on his blog.”

None of the 346 comments were made by myself. I'll be damned if I'll be helping to line the pockets of the filthy little whore.

Oh.

I've just realised this is my 100th post. Wheeee.

21st CENTURY OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDERS

In his excellent book about "end-of-times" devotees in the United States, "Have a Nice Doomsday", author Nicholas Guyatt points out that while the lunatic fringe of the “right” have their global apocalypse scenarios, so too do those of the “left”. These scenarios are inevitably environmental in nature – global warming, overpopulation, mass food shortages, resource depletion and so on.

To my mind, these are far more compelling and logical arguments than are those that posit the destruction of the planet by an Antichrist, or being carried off to the 9th circle of Hell by flocks of flaming homosexuals.

Yet one thing continues to elude me about these theories of man-made, environmental doom, and that is the science behind them.

I have no aptitude for science whatsoever.

I also have no aptitude for tennis. Or electronics. Or carpentry. Or tax returns. When confronted with the whys and wherefores of these topics, my brain turns to taffy and my thoughts wander to subjects that I feel far more comfortable with. Like sex, for example, and why I haven’t managed to get any for ... oh, never mind, you get the picture.

As far as global warming and climate change are concerned, every day, every week, every month for a few years now brings new articles for and against, graphs and maps and statistics. The science of this, the science of that, elements and chemicals and gases and measurements from here to here, from there to here, from one moment in time to another, analyses and arguments and theories and conjectures, rebuttals and confirmations and more and more bloody statistics, proposals and schemes.

I’m sorry, but frankly, my eyes glaze over just thinking about it all. I can’t even manage to herd all my marbles for long enough to even contemplate a position either for or against because ... well, I just can’t be fucking bothered. I simply can’t sustain an interest in the science of the thing, and in that I do not think I am alone in the world.

It’s not that I am skeptical of the claims that are being made in the case for climate change, it’s not that at all, as many of them, on the face of it, seem perfectly valid.

I just have a whole bunch of other things to occupy my mind, and I honestly don’t feel much like shuffling about in a perpetual cloud of despair and gloom every day for the rest of my life worrying myself into an early grave over the potential end of life on the planet as we know it.

I mean, for fuck’s sake, there’s bugger all I can do about it, so stop fucking hollering at me all the time about this stuff. I don’t know what the fucking answer is. I can’t think of any solutions. Fuck off and leave me alone. Go throw some darts at the head of an Exxon executive, why don't you.

I’m almost middle-aged, I live by myself in a flat, I don’t own a car, I don’t even own a fucking microwave oven. I walk to work and back most days. I turn appliances off at the power-point, not out of any environmental concerns, but purely because it helps keep the bills down. When I’m at home, there’s usually only one light on at any given time, and that would be the light in the room where I happen to be at. If I’m in the living room, I don’t see much point in having the fucking light on in the bedroom or the laundry, ‘cause there ain’t nobody there. And it helps keep the bills down.

And also, I put my cigarette butts in a bin instead of dropping them on the ground or in the gutter where they can get flushed into the ocean and choke flathead, so fucking shut up about that too. Piss off and mind your own fucking business.

I have an air-conditioner in the unit I’m renting, but it was there when I moved in, and by Christ, in the searing heat and humidity of the summer months up here in Brisbane, I fucking well use it and I use it often. If that offends you, I don’t care. You too can fuck off.

I have an electric toothbrush. It has a little green standby light on it, indicating that it is charged, and it’s the only appliance (aside from the refrigerator) that I do not turn off at the power point. This little light would emit no more in the way of greenhouse gases than farts from a butterfly. I’m leaving it on. Understand?

But whether for or against the case for climate change, the issue has, for some people, become an all-consuming obsession, one that appears to be threatening to tip their minds over the edge of sanity and render them completely and utterly unhinged.

Whether for or against the case, both sides need to realise that, when they insist on preaching from the farthest extremes of the argument and preach with such stridently raucous frequency, a vast number of people, myself included, simply switch off.

Witness, for example, the seemingly infinite number of posts on the topic (for the case against) from everyone’s favourite boychild-journalist Andrew Bolt. It appears to have sent him thoroughly ratty in the head, for there is nary a day goes by where this particular drum of his doesn’t get the shit thrashed out of it.

Yet, Bolt is little more than a staggeringly unremarkable and unimaginative writer with no scientific qualifications whatsoever or investigative chops for a DAILY TABLOID, for God’s sake. He is to science and the deliberations and particulars of evidence-based scientific research what Paris Hilton is to the evolution of pop music.

The last couple weeks, I’ve done a round-up and summation of the topics Bolt has addressed in his “nervous tic as blog” and you can see from those how big a part the whole climate change topic plays in his world.

However, yesterday, Thursday July 17, 2008, this is what I found ...

12.07am - Global warming cunts.

12.08am - Global warming cunts.

12.13am - Global warming cunts.

05.54am - Global warming cunts. Chinese cunts too.

06.11am - Global warming cunts.

06.13am - Kevin Rudd is a cunt.

06.17am - Global warming cunts.

06.31am - Nude cunts.

11.43am - Global warming cunts.

09.13pm - Global warming cunts.

Extraordinary, isn’t it?

For the casual passer-by (such as myself), it exerts the same fascinatingly morbid voyeuristic appeal as does a car crash. Or watching a lobotomised chimpanzee masturbate itself into a coma.

Unhinged. Utterly. Utterly. Mad.

I won't be doing these round-ups and summation of Bolt’s “blog” again as, quite frankly, it really is starting to do my fucking head in.

The man is in desperate need of a prescription. And I'm in desperate need of a Panadol.