Thursday, 20 March 2008


Andrew Bolt is a hard-core conservative opinionist for Melbourne’s Herald-Sun newspaper. He appears regularly on the ABC’s “Insiders” programme and Channel Nine’s “Today”. On the Herald-Sun website, he runs a blog. No doubt about it, Mr. Bolt is a busy little fellow, and, in the fashion of a chap named Nigel, seems happy in his world ... wheee-ooo ...

Yet our world, that is to say, the real one in which we live, breathe and work is, according to Bolt, completely and utterly fucked. And he would like to educate us, enlighten us, if you will, as to the manner of its fucking and the identities of those devious individuals among us who seem so relentlessly focused on poking our bones with ratty abandon.

And so, on his blog and on any given day, Nig ... er, Andrew, will post up to, and often over, a dozen or so items on a variety of topics that do appear to rattle his mind in the manner of a marble rolling endlessly around a tin can. These topics can be boiled down to the following ...

High school teachers and university lecturers are polluting the minds of impressionable young people and something should be done. It’s an outrage.

Films, music and video games are polluting the minds of impressionable young people and something should be done. It’s an outrage.

Impressionable young people are polluting the minds of other impressionable young people and something should be done. It’s an outrage ...

( ... These, of course, all fall within the bounds of the Won’t Somebody Think Of The Children Syndrome, an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder most indicated among various members of the media who have taken it upon themselves to become Guardians Of The Public Moral. Somebody’s always thinking of the bloody children somewhere. How I wish that they would change their minds for a day or three, and give us all a fucking break ... perhaps they could think about cleaning the kitchen cupboards or fixing a fence instead ... Now, moving right along ... )

... The current Labor Prime Minister Kevin Rudd is a lying little shit and something should be done. It’s an outrage.

The current Labor Federal Treasurer Wayne Swan is a lying little shit and something should be done. It’s an outrage.

Oh, the hell with it ... The entire Labor Federal government, their wives, children, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles and family pets are lying little shits and something should be done. It’s an outrage.

The former Liberal Prime Minister John Howard never told a lie in his life. Nor did he chop down a cherry tree. Anybody who says anything to the contrary is a lying little shit and something should be done. It’s an outrage.

Anybody who ever voted for the Labor Party in any election at any time for any reason since the Party’s inception are Marxist-socialist, chardonnay swilling, latte sipping lunatics hell bent on destroying the world and everyone in it and something should be done. It’s an outrage.

Anybody who ever voted for the Liberal Party, and only for the Liberal Party at every available opportunity, should have their buttocks dipped in liquid gold to be kissed, caressed, worshipped and adored with duly appropriate reverence. God love them all.

Small, yappy, fluffy white dogs are threatening to destroy the fabric of society throughout the civilised world, and something should be done. It’s an outrage ... Actually, no, I just made that one up ... Moving right along ...

Climate change is bullshit, and we’re all being conned. Something should be done. It’s an outrage. And Aborigines make stuff up all the time, and we’re all being conned. Something should be done. It’s an outrage.

Then, there’s the Islamic thing. It’s an outrage, too. Something should be done.

And so on and so forth. Yes indeedy-do, Andrew Bolt does appear to spend the bulk of his waking life convinced that the entire world is rapidly going to hell in a handbasket and it’s all the fault of anyone and everyone who either holds an opinion or expresses a taste for anything whatsoever that differs in any way from his own.

He’s like a cross between Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh minus the tits and the fat.

His fans, however, are worse. Much worse. In fact, judging from the type of comments his blog attracts, day in, day out, item after item, one could arguably, but reasonably conclude that these people are completely unhinged; an endless parade of devoted and ideologically driven foot soldiers from the legions of the stupid forever pounding their stubby little digits into keyboards the country over in an infinitely fevered frenzy of hysterically illiterate rants and sweaty rambles that often amount to little more than the (allegedly) adult equivalent of “Nyah, nyah, nyah, your mum sucks dog’s dicks ... and you smell, too.”

Here’s just a few excerpts randomly thrown together from less than one days worth ...

Junkies are scum ... Shot yourself through the foot again there dopey ... What an idiot ... lip licking control freak ... homosexuality has and always will be a psycho-pathological illness ... stop pandering to the homo indoctrination and disinformation ... Tony Jones is an AWB conspiricy theory fanatic, obsessed global warming freak and Rudd lover ... Rudd moves further into Socialism and away from our Christian heritage he so despises ... that’s a fact so nice dig with your sickly and pastie faced jib ... Bill, what a perverse and twisted view of society you harbour ... little lackies sitting in the bleachers nodding like dogs on the dash ... That post is idiotic Roger ... Oh to be a Lefty, where logic and belief are permanent strangers ... you are just trying to compete with Dicky boy as to who can win the most inane post of the year award (this being the DICK head award), just being a tricky troll tony aren’t ya ... You can’t have it both ways,whiner ... Other than that the crap you speak is not even worth commenting on ... GWB has a weird sense of humour that humourless lefties haven’t the intellect to comprehend.

Inevitably, these comments are accompanied by a plethora of multiple exclamation and question marks, CAPITAL LETTER comebacks and “emoticons”, the latter being little cartoon representations of emotions and attitudes that have always filled me with a deep and irrational loathing of anyone who uses them. For heaven’s sake, if a person cannot make his or her meaning apparent with words and words alone and learn how to convey their meaning in a well constructed sentence or two without cartoon assistance, then perhaps they would be best advised to take up a course in shadow puppetry instead.

Thus there is little, if anything, that resembles informed discourse and argument on Andrew Bolt’s blog. He himself rarely intervenes in the debates that rage at every snippet posted, preferring, it would seem, to sit back and let the chooks feed as they may with crazed zombie abandon.

Yet, perhaps this is exactly the point of it all. An experiment. Its purpose, to provide a gathering place for those many members of the living dead to feast in so as to make safe the necks of saner folks. To throw a million stupid cats among a million stupid pigeons simply in order to observe, with awe and wonderment, but also a sense of cool clinical detachment, the genesis of a massive inter-species clusterfuck whilst boggling at the ear-splitting volume created from all that massed squawking and squealing.

As cruel and mindless entertainments go, it works a treat, though teasing the intellectually disabled so relentlessly might not go down too well with those sweet folks at SANE.

Andrew should keep that in mind.

Boltwatch regularly casts an eye over the madness.

From 1979, XTC “Making Plans for Nigel”

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