Hillary hangs on. And on. And on. And on ...
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Monday, 12 May 2008
Thursday, 10 April 2008
THE WAR ON TOBACCO
"Hello. I'd like a packet of Winfield Red 25's, please."
"Ah. I'm sorry, we're not permitted to call them that any longer, sir."
"Oh. What are they now called, then?"
"Well, I'm not permitted to give you that information as that would constitute promotion of a dangerous and possibly deadly substance and to do so would contravene current Federal Government initiatives in the War on Tobacco."
"Do you sell cigarettes?"
"Why, yes, of course. We have over 40 varieties under the counter!"
"May I have a packet?"
"What would you like a packet of, sir?"
"Whatever Winfield Red 25's are called nowadays."
"I wouldn't know, sir. The manufacturers are no longer permitted to brand their product. We can only sell them by number."
"Number?"
"Number 1, Number 2, Number 3 ... and so on and such forth up to Number 40, or thereabouts."
"What are the strongest?"
"I'm not at liberty to say, sir. Federal laws, War on Smoking ... the economic disadvantages to the community caused by consumption of addictive and dangerous drugs. Quite staggering it is too, sir. Did you know, for example-"
"I don't give a f**k! Gimme a packet of cigarettes!"
"What type of cigarettes, sir?"
"The strongest."
"I wouldn't know which ones they would be, sir."
"It's still legal, isn't it?"
"Oh, absolutely, sir!"
"Gimme a pack of ... 16's then ... I'll wing it."
"Pleasure. Now, as part of the Federal Government's War on Tobacco, each sale of a packet of cigarettes must now be accompanied by ... A QUIT pack - here you go ... A wall poster of a diseased lung ... A gangrenous toe ... (I'll just pop that in a bag for you) ... A copy of Professor Collins' and Lapsley's "Estimating the Economic Costs of Drug Abuse in Australia" ... fascinating reading it is, too, if I may say so myself ... and ... hmmm ... I'm sure there's something else ... Oh, yes, a deformed foetus in a belljar."
"A deformed foetus in a belljar?"
"Smoking may harm your baby, sir."
"I don't have a f**king baby!"
"Only a matter of time, sir ... Perhaps you could use it as a hood ornament in the meantime."
"Ah. I'm sorry, we're not permitted to call them that any longer, sir."
"Oh. What are they now called, then?"
"Well, I'm not permitted to give you that information as that would constitute promotion of a dangerous and possibly deadly substance and to do so would contravene current Federal Government initiatives in the War on Tobacco."
"Do you sell cigarettes?"
"Why, yes, of course. We have over 40 varieties under the counter!"
"May I have a packet?"
"What would you like a packet of, sir?"
"Whatever Winfield Red 25's are called nowadays."
"I wouldn't know, sir. The manufacturers are no longer permitted to brand their product. We can only sell them by number."
"Number?"
"Number 1, Number 2, Number 3 ... and so on and such forth up to Number 40, or thereabouts."
"What are the strongest?"
"I'm not at liberty to say, sir. Federal laws, War on Smoking ... the economic disadvantages to the community caused by consumption of addictive and dangerous drugs. Quite staggering it is too, sir. Did you know, for example-"
"I don't give a f**k! Gimme a packet of cigarettes!"
"What type of cigarettes, sir?"
"The strongest."
"I wouldn't know which ones they would be, sir."
"It's still legal, isn't it?"
"Oh, absolutely, sir!"
"Gimme a pack of ... 16's then ... I'll wing it."
"Pleasure. Now, as part of the Federal Government's War on Tobacco, each sale of a packet of cigarettes must now be accompanied by ... A QUIT pack - here you go ... A wall poster of a diseased lung ... A gangrenous toe ... (I'll just pop that in a bag for you) ... A copy of Professor Collins' and Lapsley's "Estimating the Economic Costs of Drug Abuse in Australia" ... fascinating reading it is, too, if I may say so myself ... and ... hmmm ... I'm sure there's something else ... Oh, yes, a deformed foetus in a belljar."
"A deformed foetus in a belljar?"
"Smoking may harm your baby, sir."
"I don't have a f**king baby!"
"Only a matter of time, sir ... Perhaps you could use it as a hood ornament in the meantime."
Friday, 4 April 2008
PROTECTING THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE AND CHILDBIRTH IN A FAITHLESS AND SECULAR AGE
A MODEST PROPOSAL FOR LEGISLATION TO BE TAKEN UNDER CONSIDERATION AS A POSSIBLE FUTURE BLUEPRINT BY OUR STATE AND FEDERAL REPRESENTATIVES. MAY GOD BLESS AND PROTECT THEM.
1. As a condition of entering into marriage (marriage herein defined as a conjugative union between an adult male person and an adult female person, adult in this respect defined as any individual over 16 years of age), all couples should be required to produce a child or children within a nominal period of three to five years (maximum) of wedlock. Should no child or children be forthcoming from the union due to physical incapacity or disability; impotence; infertility; advanced age; or professionally diagnosed medical condition (approved documentation required), a child should be assigned to the couple in question from the relevant state or territory’s Federal Government Surplus Youth Repository.
2. If any couple refuse to comply with the proposed legislation in respect of either (a) bearing a child or children, or (b) undertaking care of any child assigned to them for care, then it should be determined through application of the legislation that the marriage be declared null and void, and any and all agreements undertaken by the relevant parties either during the union or made in preparation for the union (for example, financial or property matters; prenuptial agreements) no longer be binding on either party under any circumstances.
3. Contraceptive medications and/or devices should henceforth from the date of enactment of the proposed legislation only be made available via prescription to those married couples who have successfully bred a minimum of 3 children within the nominal period of three to five years (maximum) of continual wedlock. No contraceptive medication and/or device should be prescribed to any individual or individuals who are not engaged in a conjugative union of a type that has been approved by an appropriately authorised religious faith and practitioner thereof. Unauthorised supply and consumption of contraceptive medications and/or devices should be determined an offence under the proposed legislation and punishable by law and should attract a fine and/or term of imprisonment up to, but not exceeding AU$50,000 and 5 years incarceration.
4. Under the proposed legislation, termination of a pregnancy upon request should not be permitted under any circumstances. Should the pregnancy have resulted from an occasion of alleged or confirmed sexual abuse, the carrier of the developing foetus should be provided with appropriate and comprehensive counseling by State or Federally accredited health and welfare officials until such time as the pregnancy reaches full-term, and birth of a child or children has been achieved.
5. If diagnosis determines that the pregnancy may pose a hazard to the health of the carrier of the foetus, the right of the foetus to a full life should prevail over that of the carrier in any and all cases. In such an event, appropriate and comprehensive counseling should be provided to the carrier and/or their partner so that they may adequately prepare for any ensuing trauma that may present during the pregnancy, including the possibility of the carrier’s death. In case of the latter, generous financial assistance from the Australian Federal Government’s Bereavement Bonus Fund should be made available (upon application) to the surviving spouse for a period of up to, but not exceeding 6 (six) months subsequent to the carrier’s demise.
6. Should a pregnancy be terminated due to an alleged event of miscarriage, the carrier of the foetal matter and their primary health care provider should be required by law to report the event within 7 (seven) days of occurrence to the Australian Federal Police Foetal Abuse Investigative Division (F.A.I.D.). It should be the responsibility of F.A.I.D. to engage the cooperation of all relevant parties so as to ascertain whether or not the miscarriage event was either deliberately induced by the carrier and/or her partner, or was the result of any inappropriate behaviour (for example, consumption of alcohol, tobacco, illegal drugs, unsuitable foodstuffs) that could rightly be deemed as damaging to the health of the developing foetus. Should F.A.I.D., during the course of their investigation, find that the occurrence of the event falls outside the applicable definitions of “accidental” as set out in the proposed legislation, the individual concerned should be charged under that legislation and a fine and/or term of imprisonment up to, but not exceeding AU$100,000 and 5 (five) years incarceration be imposed upon them.
1. As a condition of entering into marriage (marriage herein defined as a conjugative union between an adult male person and an adult female person, adult in this respect defined as any individual over 16 years of age), all couples should be required to produce a child or children within a nominal period of three to five years (maximum) of wedlock. Should no child or children be forthcoming from the union due to physical incapacity or disability; impotence; infertility; advanced age; or professionally diagnosed medical condition (approved documentation required), a child should be assigned to the couple in question from the relevant state or territory’s Federal Government Surplus Youth Repository.
2. If any couple refuse to comply with the proposed legislation in respect of either (a) bearing a child or children, or (b) undertaking care of any child assigned to them for care, then it should be determined through application of the legislation that the marriage be declared null and void, and any and all agreements undertaken by the relevant parties either during the union or made in preparation for the union (for example, financial or property matters; prenuptial agreements) no longer be binding on either party under any circumstances.
3. Contraceptive medications and/or devices should henceforth from the date of enactment of the proposed legislation only be made available via prescription to those married couples who have successfully bred a minimum of 3 children within the nominal period of three to five years (maximum) of continual wedlock. No contraceptive medication and/or device should be prescribed to any individual or individuals who are not engaged in a conjugative union of a type that has been approved by an appropriately authorised religious faith and practitioner thereof. Unauthorised supply and consumption of contraceptive medications and/or devices should be determined an offence under the proposed legislation and punishable by law and should attract a fine and/or term of imprisonment up to, but not exceeding AU$50,000 and 5 years incarceration.
4. Under the proposed legislation, termination of a pregnancy upon request should not be permitted under any circumstances. Should the pregnancy have resulted from an occasion of alleged or confirmed sexual abuse, the carrier of the developing foetus should be provided with appropriate and comprehensive counseling by State or Federally accredited health and welfare officials until such time as the pregnancy reaches full-term, and birth of a child or children has been achieved.
5. If diagnosis determines that the pregnancy may pose a hazard to the health of the carrier of the foetus, the right of the foetus to a full life should prevail over that of the carrier in any and all cases. In such an event, appropriate and comprehensive counseling should be provided to the carrier and/or their partner so that they may adequately prepare for any ensuing trauma that may present during the pregnancy, including the possibility of the carrier’s death. In case of the latter, generous financial assistance from the Australian Federal Government’s Bereavement Bonus Fund should be made available (upon application) to the surviving spouse for a period of up to, but not exceeding 6 (six) months subsequent to the carrier’s demise.
6. Should a pregnancy be terminated due to an alleged event of miscarriage, the carrier of the foetal matter and their primary health care provider should be required by law to report the event within 7 (seven) days of occurrence to the Australian Federal Police Foetal Abuse Investigative Division (F.A.I.D.). It should be the responsibility of F.A.I.D. to engage the cooperation of all relevant parties so as to ascertain whether or not the miscarriage event was either deliberately induced by the carrier and/or her partner, or was the result of any inappropriate behaviour (for example, consumption of alcohol, tobacco, illegal drugs, unsuitable foodstuffs) that could rightly be deemed as damaging to the health of the developing foetus. Should F.A.I.D., during the course of their investigation, find that the occurrence of the event falls outside the applicable definitions of “accidental” as set out in the proposed legislation, the individual concerned should be charged under that legislation and a fine and/or term of imprisonment up to, but not exceeding AU$100,000 and 5 (five) years incarceration be imposed upon them.
From 1979, Sister Sledge "We Are Family"
Wednesday, 23 January 2008
SORRY, SORRY, SORRY (SINCERE REGRETS)
On his News.com blog of January 16th, 2008, Jack Marx composed a prayer apologising for everything Australians have ever done to everyone ever.
I decided, in response, to compose a “Sorry” song to the tune of Tex Williams’ “Smoke, Smoke, Smoke (That Cigarette)” ...
Now we're a country with a heart of gold,
Or at least that's what we're taught and told,
The kinda place that's the envy of the world.
But there's some things that ain't too thrillin'
Like rape and murder an' pillage an' killin'
That when I heard about, did make my toes fair curl.
We're very sorry for Pauline Hanson,
She can't sing and she's shit at dancin'
She ain't much superior to anyone.
Sorry for whingin' and fallin' to our knees
Every time we see some Sudanese,
We promise we'll stop runnin' for our guns.
(CHORUS)
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sincere regrets,
Sorry for all the things we've done, and the things we ain't done yet.
We're so sorry it makes us cry,
Sorry 'bout all these fuckin' flies,
Sorry for the drought and the whales and the heat and the rain and the wet.
John Laws is sorry for his fuckin' language,
Sorry ol' bugger oughta choke on a sandwich,
And Derryn Hinch is sorry for his beard.
We're sorry for Amanda Vanstone,
On behalf of all our unborn grandsons,
And all those foreign folks that we've made a'feared.
We're sorry for Dicko, Mark and Marcia
Can't Cathy Freeman run any faster?
Sorry 'bout that, but we'll see what we can do.
And we're sorry 'bout Kylie Minogue
And Dannii and Delta and Australian Vogue
We're very sorry for everything we've put you through.
(CHORUS)
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sincere regrets,
Sorry for all the things we've done, and the things we ain't done yet.
We're so sorry it makes us cry,
Sorry 'bout all these fuckin' flies,
Sorry for the drought and the whales and the heat and the rain and the wet.
Now I saw a show that weren't quite right
“A Current Affair” or “Today Tonight”
And afterwards I was sorry that I had.
They'd chained some old gal to a wall,
And it turned out it weren't true at all,
T'were enough to make a sane man mad.
And a long time ago I was a bit of a boozer,
Some folks called me the biggest loser,
But we gave the world the technicolour yawn,
So on behalf of all drunken Australians,
It needs to be said if our souls are for savin'
We're so sorry that we pissed on your front lawn.
(REPEAT CHORUS)
From 1995, Asleep At The Wheel "Smoke, Smoke, Smoke (That Cigarette)"
I decided, in response, to compose a “Sorry” song to the tune of Tex Williams’ “Smoke, Smoke, Smoke (That Cigarette)” ...
Now we're a country with a heart of gold,
Or at least that's what we're taught and told,
The kinda place that's the envy of the world.
But there's some things that ain't too thrillin'
Like rape and murder an' pillage an' killin'
That when I heard about, did make my toes fair curl.
We're very sorry for Pauline Hanson,
She can't sing and she's shit at dancin'
She ain't much superior to anyone.
Sorry for whingin' and fallin' to our knees
Every time we see some Sudanese,
We promise we'll stop runnin' for our guns.
(CHORUS)
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sincere regrets,
Sorry for all the things we've done, and the things we ain't done yet.
We're so sorry it makes us cry,
Sorry 'bout all these fuckin' flies,
Sorry for the drought and the whales and the heat and the rain and the wet.
John Laws is sorry for his fuckin' language,
Sorry ol' bugger oughta choke on a sandwich,
And Derryn Hinch is sorry for his beard.
We're sorry for Amanda Vanstone,
On behalf of all our unborn grandsons,
And all those foreign folks that we've made a'feared.
We're sorry for Dicko, Mark and Marcia
Can't Cathy Freeman run any faster?
Sorry 'bout that, but we'll see what we can do.
And we're sorry 'bout Kylie Minogue
And Dannii and Delta and Australian Vogue
We're very sorry for everything we've put you through.
(CHORUS)
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sincere regrets,
Sorry for all the things we've done, and the things we ain't done yet.
We're so sorry it makes us cry,
Sorry 'bout all these fuckin' flies,
Sorry for the drought and the whales and the heat and the rain and the wet.
Now I saw a show that weren't quite right
“A Current Affair” or “Today Tonight”
And afterwards I was sorry that I had.
They'd chained some old gal to a wall,
And it turned out it weren't true at all,
T'were enough to make a sane man mad.
And a long time ago I was a bit of a boozer,
Some folks called me the biggest loser,
But we gave the world the technicolour yawn,
So on behalf of all drunken Australians,
It needs to be said if our souls are for savin'
We're so sorry that we pissed on your front lawn.
(REPEAT CHORUS)
From 1995, Asleep At The Wheel "Smoke, Smoke, Smoke (That Cigarette)"
Thursday, 10 January 2008
LI'L TOMOTHY CRUISE & THE CHURCH OF TINCANOLOGY
From “Rebus Flatbush’s Famous Fables & Folk-Tales from the American Mid-West” ...
(Any similarity to actual persons, either living or deceased, or to this item from the Daily Mail is purely coincidental)
ONCE UPON A TAHM, there wuz a li'l feller by the name of Tomothy Cruise an' he wuz a purty li'l feller too, thass fer sure. All the ladies wanted to have their wicked, wicked ways with purty li'l Tomothy (an' sum a' the fellas too by gosh, but ah ain't a’ goin' down that manky ol' tunnel a' confusion raht at this moment, no sirree), but purty l'il Tomothy was a mite more innerested in a funny ol' religion that wuz alls about holdin' tin cans in yer hands so as ta get yerself raht in tha head.
Now ... this funny ol' religion was put tagether a whiles back by a funny ol' sailor fella by the name of Elron Bubba who useta write stories 'bout flyin' saucies and li'l green fellas from outta space ‘til he figgered that that weren't no proper way fer a grown man to make a decent livin’, so he thought he may's well start hisself a religion on account a’ all the other religions din't have no truck with holdin' onta tin cans an' such, an’ they weren’t no li’l green fellas from outta space in ‘em either ... they was all abouts sum fella from way back who git hisself nailed to a cupple a’ chunks of two-be-four, an’ by golly, that weren’t no fun to be readin’ on, Bubba reckoned ... Yep, Ol' Bubba lahked his tin cans and li’l green fellas a whole lot more, thass fer sure, so he set about makin’ hisself a new church ... the Church of Tincanology ... an’ purty li’l Tomothy Cruise found out about it sometahms after Bubba had passed on, and reckoned it sounded lahk a good idea to get hisself raht in the head, so he read up some books on it, an’ joined hisself up ...
Anyhoo ... Li'l Tomothy had bin grabbin' onta those tin cans for about a decade or so an' figgered hisself mostly raht in the head, when a few of the folks in Ol’ Bubba’s Church of Tincanology thought it maht be a good idea that he get hisself a lady to grab onto fer a change ... see, they figgered that purty li’l Tomothy with his purty li’l face could pull ‘em some wimmen folk inta the Church an’ they could ‘pregnate ‘em wif some a’ the frozen spuzz from Ol’ Elron they’d been keepin’ aside so’s they could have ‘emselves some li’l Elron’s to fawn on an’ follow about ... also, they was runnin’ real short a' tin cans at the tahm too ...
Now ... Li’l Tomothy may ‘ave bin a purty fella, but he wuz only about 2 an’ a half feet an’ one inch tall an’ sum a’ those wimmen folk he wuz hangin’ ‘round wif din’t stay fer long on account a’ how he wuz more inclahned to wanna play wif tin cans than take to pokin’ about their lady bits as much as they’d ‘ave lahked ... One a’ these ladies, who went by the name a’ Nikky Pigman, why, she was as tall an’ pale an’ scrawny as Tomothy was short an’ dark an’ stumpy an’ even standin’on a step-ladder that li’l feller couldn’t so much as scratch at her lady bits, an’ dang if those bits a’ hers weren’t just itchin’ fer some scratchin’ action after a whiles, so ‘ventually she tol’ ‘im where he could put his tin cans in no uncertain terms an’ she ran off an’ found herself a gee-tar playin’ feller to get scratched at by ...
But then, one day, Tomothy met a cute li'l gal by the name of Cattie Ohms, an' he tol' her again an' again an' again an' over an' over an' over all about holdin' onta tin cans an’ the Church of Tincanology an’ Ol’ Elron Bubba ‘til her brain fair did rattle with confusion an’ afore she knew it she’d agreed ta marry the li’l feller an’ ‘ave his babies ... But li’l Tomothy had hisself no intention a’ pokin’ ‘bout her private bits, no sir, he an’ the Church had ‘emselves another plan altogether ...
So’s one naht ... he waited ... an’ he waited ... an’ he waited, ‘til poor young Cattie had fallen fast asleep, an’ he went to the icebox an’ got hisself a big ol’ blob of Ol’ Elron Bubba’s frozen spuzz that the Church of Tincanology had given him a whiles back and which he’d bin keepin’ hidden behind the turkey gizzards fer jes’ this very moment, an’ he put that spuzz on a turkey baster an’ crept toward Cattie’s sleepin’ self so’s he could stick that spuzz inta Cattie where it could do what spuzz does when it’s stuck there ...
But ... as li’l Tomothy moved hisself forward, he hadn’t noticed that some a’ that spuzz had melted a bit an’ had dripped onta the floor an’ jest as he’d got hisself real close to Cattie, he slipped on some a’ that melted spuzz and went scootin’ across the floor, bangin’ his head smack inta the wall so hard that he bounced back the other way an’ onta the so-fee with such a mahty force that one a’ the so-fee springs popped raht through the so-fee cover and raht inta his neck where it ripped his neck innerds to stringy red bits a’ spurtin’ flesh an’ killed li’l Tomothy Cruise in a instant.
Whereupon, poor liddle Cattie Ohms woked herself up of a sudden an’ looked over to see the tiny li’l body of li’l Tomothy Cruise layin’ dead on the floor, a big ol’ turkey baster with meltin’ sailor spuzz on it still in his hands, an’ she realised then what he’d a’ bin goin’ to do to her all this tahm an’ thanked her lucky stars that she had escaped his foul intentions ...
Now, even though she survahved, from there on in, from that day to this, purty liddle Cattie Ohms still can’t hold on to so much as a tin o’ beans without a shiver a’ creepin’ up her spine, whiles at Christmastime, no matter how loud an’ how long her mama hollers at her, there ain’t no way in this world or the next one that she’s a’ gonna help out stuffin’ no turkey.
No, sir. Uh-uh.
(Any similarity to actual persons, either living or deceased, or to this item from the Daily Mail is purely coincidental)
ONCE UPON A TAHM, there wuz a li'l feller by the name of Tomothy Cruise an' he wuz a purty li'l feller too, thass fer sure. All the ladies wanted to have their wicked, wicked ways with purty li'l Tomothy (an' sum a' the fellas too by gosh, but ah ain't a’ goin' down that manky ol' tunnel a' confusion raht at this moment, no sirree), but purty l'il Tomothy was a mite more innerested in a funny ol' religion that wuz alls about holdin' tin cans in yer hands so as ta get yerself raht in tha head.
Now ... this funny ol' religion was put tagether a whiles back by a funny ol' sailor fella by the name of Elron Bubba who useta write stories 'bout flyin' saucies and li'l green fellas from outta space ‘til he figgered that that weren't no proper way fer a grown man to make a decent livin’, so he thought he may's well start hisself a religion on account a’ all the other religions din't have no truck with holdin' onta tin cans an' such, an’ they weren’t no li’l green fellas from outta space in ‘em either ... they was all abouts sum fella from way back who git hisself nailed to a cupple a’ chunks of two-be-four, an’ by golly, that weren’t no fun to be readin’ on, Bubba reckoned ... Yep, Ol' Bubba lahked his tin cans and li’l green fellas a whole lot more, thass fer sure, so he set about makin’ hisself a new church ... the Church of Tincanology ... an’ purty li’l Tomothy Cruise found out about it sometahms after Bubba had passed on, and reckoned it sounded lahk a good idea to get hisself raht in the head, so he read up some books on it, an’ joined hisself up ...
Anyhoo ... Li'l Tomothy had bin grabbin' onta those tin cans for about a decade or so an' figgered hisself mostly raht in the head, when a few of the folks in Ol’ Bubba’s Church of Tincanology thought it maht be a good idea that he get hisself a lady to grab onto fer a change ... see, they figgered that purty li’l Tomothy with his purty li’l face could pull ‘em some wimmen folk inta the Church an’ they could ‘pregnate ‘em wif some a’ the frozen spuzz from Ol’ Elron they’d been keepin’ aside so’s they could have ‘emselves some li’l Elron’s to fawn on an’ follow about ... also, they was runnin’ real short a' tin cans at the tahm too ...
Now ... Li’l Tomothy may ‘ave bin a purty fella, but he wuz only about 2 an’ a half feet an’ one inch tall an’ sum a’ those wimmen folk he wuz hangin’ ‘round wif din’t stay fer long on account a’ how he wuz more inclahned to wanna play wif tin cans than take to pokin’ about their lady bits as much as they’d ‘ave lahked ... One a’ these ladies, who went by the name a’ Nikky Pigman, why, she was as tall an’ pale an’ scrawny as Tomothy was short an’ dark an’ stumpy an’ even standin’on a step-ladder that li’l feller couldn’t so much as scratch at her lady bits, an’ dang if those bits a’ hers weren’t just itchin’ fer some scratchin’ action after a whiles, so ‘ventually she tol’ ‘im where he could put his tin cans in no uncertain terms an’ she ran off an’ found herself a gee-tar playin’ feller to get scratched at by ...
But then, one day, Tomothy met a cute li'l gal by the name of Cattie Ohms, an' he tol' her again an' again an' again an' over an' over an' over all about holdin' onta tin cans an’ the Church of Tincanology an’ Ol’ Elron Bubba ‘til her brain fair did rattle with confusion an’ afore she knew it she’d agreed ta marry the li’l feller an’ ‘ave his babies ... But li’l Tomothy had hisself no intention a’ pokin’ ‘bout her private bits, no sir, he an’ the Church had ‘emselves another plan altogether ...
So’s one naht ... he waited ... an’ he waited ... an’ he waited, ‘til poor young Cattie had fallen fast asleep, an’ he went to the icebox an’ got hisself a big ol’ blob of Ol’ Elron Bubba’s frozen spuzz that the Church of Tincanology had given him a whiles back and which he’d bin keepin’ hidden behind the turkey gizzards fer jes’ this very moment, an’ he put that spuzz on a turkey baster an’ crept toward Cattie’s sleepin’ self so’s he could stick that spuzz inta Cattie where it could do what spuzz does when it’s stuck there ...
But ... as li’l Tomothy moved hisself forward, he hadn’t noticed that some a’ that spuzz had melted a bit an’ had dripped onta the floor an’ jest as he’d got hisself real close to Cattie, he slipped on some a’ that melted spuzz and went scootin’ across the floor, bangin’ his head smack inta the wall so hard that he bounced back the other way an’ onta the so-fee with such a mahty force that one a’ the so-fee springs popped raht through the so-fee cover and raht inta his neck where it ripped his neck innerds to stringy red bits a’ spurtin’ flesh an’ killed li’l Tomothy Cruise in a instant.
Whereupon, poor liddle Cattie Ohms woked herself up of a sudden an’ looked over to see the tiny li’l body of li’l Tomothy Cruise layin’ dead on the floor, a big ol’ turkey baster with meltin’ sailor spuzz on it still in his hands, an’ she realised then what he’d a’ bin goin’ to do to her all this tahm an’ thanked her lucky stars that she had escaped his foul intentions ...
Now, even though she survahved, from there on in, from that day to this, purty liddle Cattie Ohms still can’t hold on to so much as a tin o’ beans without a shiver a’ creepin’ up her spine, whiles at Christmastime, no matter how loud an’ how long her mama hollers at her, there ain’t no way in this world or the next one that she’s a’ gonna help out stuffin’ no turkey.
No, sir. Uh-uh.
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