Wednesday 30 April 2008

THE WAR ON ...

“Good evening, sir. I'm Officer Lansdale. This is Officer Wyatt. From the Australian Federal Police's HOME SAFE division ...”

“Oh? Yes?”

“As you may be aware, sir, Federal HOME SAFE agents are now empowered to conduct random searches throughout homes in this area during the month to ascertain that certain societal norms and standards are being upheld across the wider community.”

“Er, I'm in the middle of dinner right now ...”

“It's a bit late to be eating dinner now, isn’t it sir? Didn't you know that consumption of foodstuffs and beverages shortly before bedtime are liable to result in disturbed sleep patterns throughout the night? This could, in all probability, be detrimental to your work of the next day, sir, not to mention detrimental to the overall productivity of the nation as a cumulative result if such behaviour were to continue to end of day the current fiscal quarter.”

“I wasn't planning on going to bed any time soon.”

“Do you typically stay up to all hours, then?”

“It's only 9.00pm.”

“I know what the time is, sir ... And dinner will comprise ... ?”

“Dinner is comprising leftover boeuf bourguignon, a couple of steamed potatoes and a glass of wine.”

“Rather heavy on the starch and carbohydrates aren't we, sir? All that meat and mushrooms as well ... you are aware, aren’t you sir, that consumption of such foodstuffs can cause widespread flatulence, a leading contributor to the degradation of our airborne environment ... Think that’s funny, do you?! ... Well, it’s very, very, very serious, smartarse! Been to France lately, have we? The whole cheesy little shithole stinks like a fucking Delhi dunny, all those farting frogs and their skinny, baguette barfing bints and what not, creamy wine sauces and pastries and crap ... Was the bourguignon thickened with flour, may I ask?”

“Just a touch of it, yes.”

“I see ... Just the one glass of wine, was it?”

“No, I’m on my third.”

“I see. Planning on going out sometime tonight, are we?”

“No.”

“Good. See to it that you don’t ... What’s this, sir? This ... packet. Here.”

“It’s a 4 pack of frozen chicken and vegetable pies.”

“Uh-huh. I see ... And this?”

“A Cornetto.”

“I beg yours?”

“A Cornetto ... it’s a type of ice-cre –“

“Yes, I know it’s a fucking ice-cream, mate! Don’t come playing silly buggers with me, pal, or we’ll have you in stir faster than you can toss a delightfully healthy and fulfilling salad of mixed greens, crunchy vegetables and wholemeal croutons lightly dressed with extra virgin olive oil, garlic and balsamic!”

“... ? ...”

“You wouldn’t know a fucking salad if it bit you on the bum, would you, sir? No fine fucking Baltic anchovies have ever passed those fat, puffy lips of yours via way of a well-made Caesar, have they, pally?”

“Will you be much long - ?”

“As long as it takes us to do our job, mate. As long as it takes ... What’s that you’re watching right now, sir?”

Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares.”

“Like a bit of foul and filthy language, do we, sir? Enjoy a bit of verbal abuse, vocal humiliation, a bit of rough, eh? ... Not the nature documentary type, are we? Disney not good enough for you, is it?
John Boy Walton and his folks not quite edgy enough for you hoity-toity inner-urban types, eh?... Into child porn too, are we?”

“Of course not!”

“This an ashtray, sir?”

“Yes.”

“Smoke, do we? Smoke cigarettes?”

“Yes.”

“You filthy cunt. You selfish little smelly fucker.”

“Now, look here, you come into my –“

“You fat, smelly, foul-mouthed, farting little fucker of children!”

“I WAS JUST HAVING A QUIET NIGHT AT HOME WATCHING A BIT OF FUCKING TELLY AND HAVING A MEAL AND A FEW FUCKING DRINKS, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!”

“... Are you on drugs, sir?”

“No!”

“You do seem a bit agitated, that’s all, sir ... Up one minute, down the next, you know ... you could be suffering from depression, sir. Have you seen anyone about that? A touch of bi-polar, perhaps. Quite common these days, sir, all those sporting people and celebrities and stars and models and such, they’re all as mad as bloody hatters, sir. There’s some very good drugs available nowadays, I hear ...”

“I’m not depressed ... I don’t need any bloody drugs ...”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“Half-ounce of hydro?”

“What? Pot?”

“Yup.”

“How much?”

“For you, a hunnert and twenny.”

“Okay ... Jeez, I haven’t had a spliff in years ...”

“All things in moderation, sir.”

“Thanks very much.”

“You’re welcome ... Now ... Before we go on our way, a few words of advice, sir, courtesy of your Federal Government servants ...Think about giving up the fags, mate. They’ll kill you in the end, we all know that ... And leftover boeuf bourguignon is fine on some occasions, but do try to balance it out with something simple, perhaps a nice bit of grilled fish and a salad couple times a week. With a nice white wine and caper sauce, that’d be the go ... And I’d ditch the pies and the ice-cream if I were you, sir, we don’t you winding up in triple bypass country by the time you’re 50 now, do we? Hospital system’s overburdened and under-resourced as it is, let’s give the poor buggers a bit of a break, eh? Also, I’d recommend you try to eat your final meal of the day at least two ... two and a half hours prior to retiring for a good night’s rest ... about 7 if you’re planning on a 9.30 tuck-in ... As for Ramsey’s program ... well, it’s all a bit frantic for this time of night, don’t you think, sir? All that swearing and shouting and rushing about ... A nice video would be far more preferable, I’d think.
“My Three Sons” is just out on DVD ... lovely show ... my gran used to be quite keen on that Fred MacMurray bloke ...”

“Are we done?”

“Yes, sir, that’s it for now. Thanks very much for your time.”

“Good. Cheers for the choof.”

“Any time, sir, just give us a call. That’s some bitchin’ brew, mark my words ... I swear, first time I tried it I knocked myself into dimensions that would’ve made Einstein weep for a light year.”

“Look forward to it.”

“And take care of yourself, sir. Remember, if you don’t, your Government will do it for you. It’s our job.”



From 1986, The Smiths “Panic”

Tuesday 29 April 2008

THE WAR ON DRINKING

“Hello. I'd like 3 schooners of New, a schooner of VB, one of James Boag, and a schooner of James Squires thanks. Also, 6 shots of black sambuca ... ”

“That's 12 drinks, sir.”

“Yes, it is. There's 6 of us.”

“Sir, unfortunately, and under new
Federal Government laws and guidelines as part of the War on Binge Drinking, I can only serve any patron a minimum of 1 drink per time ...”

“But there's 6 of us.”

“They'll have to buy their own, sir.”

“I see. Okay, gimme a schooner of New and a shot of blac –“

“One at a time, sir.”

“The New, then.”

“A pleasure.”

“... Right. I'm back. I'll have that shot of sambuca now, thanks.”

“You haven't drunk your beer, sir.”

“I'm having a shot and a beer chaser.”

“I'm sorry, sir, we can't allow that.”

“But ...”

“Not on, sir.”

“It's ...”

“Nup.”

“I ...”

“Can we call you a taxi?”

“I just got here.”

“You may become intoxicated and abusive, sir.”

“I haven't had anything to drink yet!”

“But you will, sir. You will. Best to be safe than sorry, and pack you off home right now, before anything regrettable happens. I'm sure a
nice cup of tea, an Iced-Vovo biscuit and everything will settle down just nicely ...”

“I don’t want no fucking biscuit! It's my birthday, for Christ's sake!”

“Please don't take the Lord's name in vain, sir ... random acts of carelessly unthinking blasphemy have been demonstrated to have a downward impact on rates of productivity, thereby placing upward pressure on interest rates as well as grossly inflating various other, er, inflationary factors and, heaven knows sir, surely you don't want to be responsible for placing increased stress on all those dear hearts and gentle people who quietly suffer so on the frontiers of the mortgage belt ... Think of the children, sir.”

“Oh, fuck the children!”

“Oh, my Lord! ... Security! ... We have a raving drunk and potentially violent pedophile on the premises!!”

“I'm not a ... it's my fucking birthday! All I wanted was a drink to celebrate!”

“Yes, well, that's what you all say, isn't it?!”

“I AM NOT A FUCKING PEDOPHILE! ... I'M JUST A THIRSTY MAN WHO WANTED A BEER ON HIS BLOODY BIRTHDAY!”

“A beer on your birthday?! ... YOU! MAKE! ME! SICK! ... One beer?! HUH! ... Then it’ll be two! ... Then a third! ... And from thereon, God only knows what vile and hellish pit of alcohol-sodden depravity you’ll drag us all into to satiate your ghastly and unnatural desires for the touch of innocently squeaky young fleshlings!”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake ... I ... I ... I just ... oh look, can I just have a packet of chicken chips then?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Why?”

“Bad for you, sir ... War on Obesity, you know how it is ... I’ve got some lovely carrot sticks and radish florets if you’d rather?”

“Oh, alright ... Could you pass the salt?”

“You’re really beginning to try my patience, sir, do you know that?”

Thursday 24 April 2008

EXCUSEZ-MOI?

Afin d'avoir un "cerveau rupture", Barry, vous avez réellement besoin d'être en possession d'une putain de cerveau, vous vous connectez à col dipshit chatte.

Wednesday 23 April 2008

LIKE FLIES ON SHIT

From Andrew Bolt’s Herald-Sun blog ... a clusterfuck of cretins ...

Here’s Shelley ...


Ummmmm ...


Ummmmmmm ... Shelley rings a bell alright, but bugger me if I just can’t quite put my finger on what they may well be ... Nup. I don’t recall.

Here, Ronald yearns for the days of old, days of slaves and coolies, when a man knew his place and damn well kept it ...

Australia does not need migrants from Asia, Africa, the Pacific Islands or South America. Australia needs workers from Asia, Africa, the Pacific Islands and South America, on strictly controlled, 12 month only, work visas. The huge danger to Australia is the possibility of large scale ‘silent migration’ from China, courtesy of Chairman Rudd. After all, they will ALL vote for their Comrade. ronald reagun of Brisbane (Reply) Mon 21 Apr 08 (07:32am)

Ronald finds a friend in Truthman, who yearns for the days when
“The Bulletin” implored it’s readers to keep “Australia for the White Man” ...

You are dead right there brisbane and krudd intending on bringing lots of maos here !they want to take over by votes so that we will be a minority ,its scary stuff and mabey all the warnings on asians years ago was correct after all !they should have stamped out communism when they had the chance ,but companies are onto him and are starting the shutdowns and moving !cant say i blame them either ! truthman Mon 21 Apr 08 (10:32am)

And, from Jack Marx’s blog decrying the recent 20/20 Summit Conference, Richard of Malandra would like it to be known ...

Dear Chilli I would have to disagree with you about not a lot happening .Our Creat Christian Leader Kevin 07 is Revisiting every negative death thought that Little Jonney wouldn’t touch with a barge pole . the latest is euthanisa I Do not see what doctrines of death have to do with a democratic government .They Are more in common with an athiest Totalitrian system of the far left. When a society embraces Death as its culture it has passed its use by date.and is heading for extinction Richard of Malanda (Reply) Wed 23 Apr 08 (12:17pm)

What the world needs now is not love, more love, but more adjectives. I keep running out.

Tuesday 22 April 2008

PEOPLE I’D LIKE TO SEE BASHED TO DEATH WITH A HAMMER*

Being roused from slumber at 4.00am in the morning by the cacophonous farking about from a murder of crows does not bode well for one’s prospects of facing the day with good grace and humour.

No doubt disturbed by the snuffling of a possum or a cat about their roosts, these stupid fucking birds kept it up for the better part of an hour, and, try as I might, I could not so much as manage even a few brief snatches of light dozing, my mind constantly jerked back to thoughts of air rifles and poison at every squawk that farked out of their fucking ugly black beaks.

Thus gripped by a mood that progressively grew fouler than a prawn cocktail left out in the sun for a week, my mind turned to the topic of “People Who I’d Like To See Bashed To Death With A Hammer*”, not an inclination of actual intent by any means, but simply a reflection of mindset at the time. A flurry of names popped into and out of my fark-addled brain ...

How about the entire Executive Management and Programmers of Channel 9, a gaggle of witlessly stupid fuck-knuckled creeps, thugs and dipshit halfwits if ever there was one?

With attention spans shorter than the denuded dick of a leper, and possessed of the collective intelligence of algae on the waters of an outdoor toilet, surely the stupid cunts who came up with the idea of
“My Kid’s A Star”, “Ladette To Lady”, “The Footy Show” and “Balls of Steel”, not to mention turning “60 Minutes” into “Jerry Springer Lite” are well deserving of a thorough thumping. Especially when programs to which they have the rights and are actually worthy of an hour of one’s time, such as “The West Wing”, “The Sopranos”, “Six Feet Under” and the recently disappeared “Sarah Connor Chronicles” are relegated to the graveyard shift as bookends for infomercials and fearsomely stupid sermons from rapturously rabid bible-bashing boofheads.

Yes, the whole lot of them would surely qualify as prime candidates for the inaugural presentation of “People Who I’d Like To See Bashed To Death With A Hammer*”.

Yet there was one name that kept rattling about my head like the proverbial marble in a tin can ...

It was the voice that did it. The first time I heard that hysterically high-pitched, squealing stream of put-on and put-upon protestation, I wanted to king-hit the kitchen wall. The second time I heard it, a shiver of loathing ratcheted its way up my spine in such a violent spasm it threatened to blow my arms from their sockets and send them soaring into the next-door neighbours weed bed, there to land with a sickeningly meaty thud. The third time I heard it, I changed the channel.

Here is a person, I thought to myself at the time, who I’d like to see bashed to death with a hammer*.

Heather Mills.

This is not because I have any great fondness for Paul McCartney, or even an interest in his life or works. Certainly, there is nothing among McCartney’s oeuvre post-Beatles that could even remotely be considered essential or influential in any way imaginable, his collaborations with Michael Jackson being so hideously dire that, by comparison, the collected works of Ringo Starr would appear to resemble the output of a man gripped by the creative twin spirits of Johann Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

But Heather Mills really gives me the dribbling shits something fierce.

I really can’t explain it any further than that.

I’m very, very tired.

Fucking crows.

*Not a statement of intent. Not meant to be taken as an injunction to any form of action whatsoever. Get a fucking grip.

Monday 21 April 2008

CRACKING THE CRUISE CODE

What Tom Cruise was really trying to say ...

“I think it's a privilege to call yourself a Scientologist and it's something that you have to earn. And because a Scientologist does. He, or she has the ability to create new and better realities and improved conditions. Aaaah ...being a Scientologist you look at someone and know absolutely that you can help them.”

Tom likes to look at people.

“So for me it really is K.S.W. and it's just like, it's, it's something that err... I don't mince words with that ... you know, it's, with anything that L.R.H. does but policy to me has really gone (SUCKS AIR. CHOPS AIR WITH HAND) boy and I ran (mumbles indecipherably) I, there's a time when I went through and I said "You know what ?" 'n' when I read it, I, you know, I just went "PFOOOOOOO!!", this is it. This is exactly it.”

And he wants to be an airplane.

“But being a Scientologist... when you drive past an accident, it's not like anyone else... it's you drive past; you know you have to do something about it because... you know you're the only one that can really help.”

Also, he likes to drive.

“But that's ... that's what drives me is that I know we, we have an opportunity ... and errr... to really ... to help, for the first time. EFF, effectively change peoples' lives and errr ... I am dedicated that I'm gonna... I'm mmm ... DABSOLUTELY, uncompromisingly... dedicated to that.”

He really, really, really likes to drive.

“ORGS are there to help, OK, but w-w-we as, you know, as... else with the public it's like, we have a responsibility, it's not just the orgs, it's not just Dave Miscavige, you know... it's not just, not just me. It's you, it's everyone out there, kinda SSSS, re-reading K.S.W. and looking at what needs to be done and saying O.K.!! Am I gonna do it or am I not gonna do it? Period. And am I gonna look at that guy or am I too afraid because I have my own "out ethics" to put in someone else's ethics, and that's all it comes down to.”

And he likes to look at people ... Just not all the time, but.

“Because I won't hesitate to put ethics in on someone else, you know, 'cause I put it BRUTHLESSLY in on myself. And I think that errr... I respect that... in, in others. And errr, you know, I'm there to help, and we're here to help and my opinion is, is that look, you-you're on board ... or you're not on board. OK, but just ... if you're on board, you're on board just like the rest of us. Period.”

Also, he likes boats and stuff.

“We are the authorities on getting people off drugs. We are the authorities on the mind. We are the authorities on improving conditions. Criminon ... we can rehabilitate criminals. Way to happiness. We can bring peace errr... and unite cultures, errr ... that once you know these tools and you know that they work it's, it's not good enough, that errr ... I'm just doing OK.”

He has a shed full of tools.

“Travelling the world and meeting the people that I, that I've met, you know, talking with these leaders in various fields ... they want help, and they are depending on people, who, know. And who can be effective, and do it and that's us. That is our responsibility to do that.”

Tom wants to help. Also, he has a shed full of tools.

“It is the time now, now is the time, OK. It is being a Scientologist, people are turning to you so you'd better know it. You'd better know it. And if you don't, you know ... go and learn it. A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You know? But don't pretend you know it and, errr, or, for, you know, what ever it's like, we're here to help.”

What time is it? Ask Tom. He wants to help. And he has a shed full of tools.

“I mean, if you're a Scientologist, you see life tha-, you see things the way they are. In all its glory, you know, all of its complexity errr ... and the more you know as a Scientologist you don't become overwhelmed by it.”

Looking at things is fun.

“A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! And errr ... I would, you know, she ... they said ... so, what, have you met an S.P.? A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (CLAPS HANDS) and I looked at though at, errr, you know, and I thought oh what a beautiful thing because maybe one day, it'll be like that, you know what I'm saying? Maybe one day, BA-HAHAHA HA!! It will be that, wow, S.P.s, like they'll just read about those in history books, you know? A-HAHAHA HAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHA HA HA-HAHAHA!!!! HER-HER, HA-HA-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Tom is happy! Clap hands with Tom!

“Thing is, I just go through that tech and it's, it literally it's, it's not SNORG! SNORT! how to run from an S.P., it's P.T.S.S.P., how to shatter suppression. Confront, shatter suppression. You apply it, it's like (SNAPS FINGERS!) BOOM!”

Then, let’s blow some stuff up!

“Because they don't come up to me and do that, errr... they won't do it to me. Not to my face. You know, or anywhere in my vicinity, where they feel they can be... confronted, you know. They just don't do it.”

Y’know, sometimes, people don’t want to look at Tom. Rude cunts.

“I wish the world was a different place. I'd like to go on vacation and go and, romp and, play and just... do that, you know what I mean? I mean ... that's what I want it to be, o.k.? That's how I, I wouldn't, you know, there's times I'd like to do that but ...but I can’t ... because ... I know ... I know, so... I ga, you know, but you know, you just you're, I da, I have to do something about it, it's not ... TSK, TSK ... You know you can sit here and wish it was different and then you look at it and then you go OK. this is it, alright, OK, and there's that moment when you go ... you know ... I have to do something, don't I ? Yeah, I really have to do it because I can't live with myself if I don't and it's and that really is it.”

Tom needs a holiday.

“I don't care if someone thinks it's hard or easy, it's either helping ... and contributing everything you can or you're not. OK? Errr ... because I'm carrying my load, all right? And only that as much as I'm carrying I still feel like I gotta do more, all right? There's still a thing of, let's go!”

He’ll carry his own luggage.

“You can just see it the look in their eyes, you know the ones that are doing, you know, and you know the spectators who are the ones who are going ... "Well it's easy for you or what am I doing?" and it's just, that thing is errr, I've cancelled that in my area. A-HAHAHA! Round my ... it's like, man you're either in or you're out. That spectator is I mean it's something that, that is, we have no time for now.”

Maybe later, then.

“So it's our responsibility to... educate. Create the new reality, you know, we have that responsibility to say hey, this is the way it should be done, because we do it this way and people are actually getting better.”

Somewhere new would be nice.

“And... let's get it done. You know, let's really get it done and have enough love, compassion, toughness, that, that you're gonna do it. Errr ... and, errr ... do it ... right.”

We can book the tickets today.

“And I have to tell you something ... I really... it, it is... you know ... it's rough and tumble ... and it's wild and woolly and it's a blast ... it's a blast. It really is ... fun... because, damn it, there is nothing better... than to going out there and fighting the fight and suddenly you see SHROOM!! BKKKKKKKKKAPOW!! Things are better.”

Then, we can play rocketships!

“I want to know that I've done everything I could, every day. And I think about those people out there, who... are depending on, us. And, errr ... I think about that. And it does make me feel, errr, like, man, I got, I got, there's, you know, we got more work. I need more help. You know, get those spectators, either in the playing field or out of the arena, you know. A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That's how I really, that's how I feel about it.”

Hey! Let’s get everyone to play rocketships! ...

“I do what I can... and I do it... the way I do everything. A-HA A-HA AHAHAHAHAHA!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! There's nothing, part of the way for me. A-HAHAHAHAHAHA!! AHAHAHAHAHA!! It's just "WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

... Or trains!

Big laughing trains!

Big laughing trains that fly through space!

Cool.

Friday 18 April 2008

FUCKED BY FAT PEOPLE

From the Sydney Morning Herald’s letters page of April 18, 2008* ...

“The Prime Minister must give serious consideration to the issue of obesity at the 2020 Summit.

Every area of national interest identified will be seriously affected by Australia's exponential weight gain. Unless obesity is addressed, the FUTURE IS GRIM.

In the period since the Government took office, Australians have gained 2.4 million kilos between them. Along with this weight gain has come DISEASE AND DISABILITY, as well as PERSONAL AND SOCIETAL TRAUMA.

By 2020 we will have amassed an additional 100 million unwanted kilos and the obesity EPIDEMIC will be BITING DEEPLY INTO EVERY ASPECT OF NATIONAL LIFE.

Obesity has a DEVASTATING EFFECT ON THE ECONOMY, with Access Economics identifying it as responsible for ANNUAL LOSSES OF $21 BILLION. New patterns of disease are already AFFECTING PRODUCTIVITY.

Obesity will DRAIN THE HEALTH BUDGET as more people suffer from obesity-related CHRONIC DISEASES. Infrastructure is already affected, as hospital beds and ambulances are replaced to cope with bigger patients. CITIES WILL NEED TO BE REDESIGNED to promote health.

OBESITY AFFECTS CLIMATE CHANGE, as moving heavier people consumes larger quantities of fuel. It affects rural, remote and indigenous communities, which are far from treatment centres for CHRONIC DISEASE.

Obesity is one of a group of cardiometabolic RISK factors which, in combination, increase the overall RISK of developing heart DISEASE and type 2 diabetes.

Obesity is also a major contributor to other CHRONIC DISEASES, including arthritis, liver and respiratory disorders and some CANCERS.

Most of these CHRONIC DISEASES are INCURABLE. Obesity, however, is preventable.

The Government must approach the prevention and treatment of obesity as A NATIONAL EMERGENCY with the intensity afforded to smoking, HIV/AIDS and immunisation. Obesity is the tobacco of the modern age and this is A BATTLE AUSTRALIA CANNOT AFFORD TO LOSE.”

Professor Ian Caterson Boden professor of human nutrition, University of Sydney; Professor Stephen Colagiuri professor of metabolic health, University of Sydney; Professor Mark Nelson Chair, discipline of general practice, University of Tasmania; Professor Paul Zimmet director of the International Diabetes Institute.

GASP! ... Hnnnng! ... hnnng! ... HEAVE! ... gasp, gasp, gasp ... HEAVE! ... Ung! .... HEAVE! Gasp, gasp, gasp ... Erk! ... hnng! ... huk! ... unkg! ...

OHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGOD!!!!!!!

OH!!!!

MY!!!!

GOD!!!!

Heave ... gasp ... hngkngkkkkkerung ...

TO THE SHELTERS, EVERYONE!!!!!!! BEFORE WE ALL GET THOROUGHLY FUCKED OVER BY FAT PEOPLE!!!!!!!

Who’s got the ammunition?!! Huh?! HUH!?

We’ll need ammunition, GOD DAMN IT!!!! And guns!!! Lots and LOTS of guns!!!

And a prayer book!! Don’t forget the prayer book!! ...

Oh-oh, say can you see, by the dawn’s early light
What so proudly we hailed at the
Twilight’s Last Gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the Perilous Fight,
Oér the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And the Rocket’s Red Glare, the Bombs Bursting in Air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O’er the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave ...

Doo-be-do, be do-be-do-do, do-do doobie do do, dah DAH, DAH-DAH-DAH-DAH ...

Dah-da-daaaaaaaa, da-da!

Fuck, I’m hungry.

(* My emphases and bolding added for extra weight)

ANDREW BOLT’S FLYING MONKEYS ...

... give us the lowdown on some Very Important Issues ... First up, Deliverwoode of London ...

I got had probably managed pulled suggested Years later, called reaction crashing down -deliverwoode of London (Reply) Wed 16 Apr 08 (01:16pm)

? ...

!? ...

???! ...

!!!!!!?? ...

????????????? ...

??!! ... !!?? ... !!!!!!!!!! ... ???????? ...

%$%#!!?#@!!%&**!!!#&!!? ...

I have a headache.

Anyway, moving right along, Henry from Camberwell had this to get off his chest ...

Bring back the WHITE AUSTRALIA POLICY. Australia has gone down the wrong path. We need to protect our Anglo Saxon heritage. We do not need this filth in our country. It our constitution it mentions the Ayran race in which we should protect. Get rid of the Muslims they are as bad as the Jews. 14/88.- Henry Ford of Camberwell (Reply) Thu 17 Apr 08 (01:19pm)

It our constitution?

It sure is, Henry. There’s a good lad. (This post has been
removed as of today, but it was certainly there in all its glory yesterday.)

Finally, Kerry of Sydney weighs in with some righteous views on the perennially troublesome topic of
“The Gay Agenda” ...

... It is ignorant to believe a teenager has the physical and emotional maturity to declare sexual preference. Societies’ current permissive attitude is resulting in confusion and trauma. FACTS: There is right and wrong, normal and abnormal. Had our sons indicated, by either physical or enmotional signs, their sexuality was in question, we as parents would have sought treatment for them rather than condemn them to an abnormal existance. Homosexuals as a group have an above average incidence of depression ... - kerry of sydney Tue 15 Apr 08 (11:04am)

Let the evidence below be testament to the fact that Kerry’s boys have grown to be a couple of right thinkin’, law-abidin’, strapping young lads with nary a care in the world.

Mind you, the bloke on the right ... those stains on his shirt ...

I’m a tad ... er ... concerned.



From 1999, Tom Waits “What’s He Building In There?”

Thursday 17 April 2008

THIS T-SHIRT KILLS CHILDREN

“ ... Eva Cox from the Women's Electoral Lobby said the T-shirts' content spoke for itself. She said: "They're tasteless, crappy, crass and stupid and if people want to be seen as tasteless, crappy, crass and stupid, they'll wear the shirts. "It's vulgar and nasty and encourages people to be rude and revolting. Who the hell wants to wear T-shirts like that?"

The Diana T-shirt, which has been superimposed on to the bodies of Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip in advertising on the site, was also criticised by monarchist Professor David Flint.

"It's a pity we breach society's standards just to get a sale. It's not right to be cruel to people who obviously can't defend themselves," he said.”

Some T-Shirts I’d like to see ...

The Terri Irwin – “HE’S DEAD – I’M RICH. BLOW ME”

The Heath Ledger – “BEST SLEEPING PILLS EVER”

The Dick Cheney –
“LIVE! NUDE! GIRLS!”

The Baby Bump – “HELP! NEED CASH FOR ABORTION”

The Sorry Shirt – “TO ALL THE ALBINO INDIGENOUS DOWN-SYNDROME QUADRUPLE AMPUTEE GAY MUSLIM DWARVES I’VE OPPRESSED, I’M SORRY”

The
Westboro Baptist Church – “GOD HATES BUNDLES OF STICKS”

The Afflicted – “YOU’RE NOT “SPECIAL”, YOU’RE RETARDED”

The Anorexic – “I HAD TO VOMIT 500 TIMES BEFORE I COULD FIT INTO THIS T-SHIRT”

The Family Values – “DADDY SAYS WE HAVE A SPECIAL LOVE BUT I CAN’T TELL MUMMY”

The
Papal Visit - "TRANSUBSTANTIATION SCHEDULED FOR TEATIME - BYO PLATE"

Tuesday 15 April 2008

THE FOREST FROM THE TREES

Andrew Bolt, he don’t like movies ...

“Taxpayers have invested $104.36 million since 2000 on film and documentary projects through the Australian Film Commission, its financial statements show. Just $12.29 million has been returned. Millions of dollars in other grants are available through state agencies, including the NSW Film and Television Office, which last financial year spent $6.749m and got returns of $948,000.”

But
this, apparently, is perfectly fine ...

“[Former] PRIME Minister John Howard has spent nearly $2 billion on government advertising and information campaigns since coming to power 11 years ago.

A Sunday Age investigation has found that just weeks from calling an election, the Government has 18 advertising campaigns on the air, with a $23 million climate change campaign to air after this week's APEC conference.

The Sunday Age investigation has also shown that since the last election in 2004, Mr Howard has spent a record $850 million of taxpayers' money on government advertising. The Government disputes this figure. "It's probably closer to $400 million," said Peter Phelps, chief of staff to Special Minister of State Gary Nairn.

Spending this year is expected to peak at $200 million before Mr Howard calls the election. After that, the Government will be prevented from airing any communication campaigns because they could influence the election.”

At least film investment generates some return. The government advertisements,
on the other hand ...

Andrew Bolt. What a silly bunt.

SENSE AND SENSITIVITY

Barack Obama from Sunday April 13, 2008...

"Here’s how it is: in a lot of these communities in big industrial states like Ohio and Pennsylvania, people have been beaten down so long. They feel so betrayed by government that when they hear a pitch that is premised on not being cynical about government, then a part of them just doesn’t buy it ...

... But the truth is, is that, our challenge is to get people persuaded that we can make progress when there’s not evidence of that in their daily lives. You go into some of these small towns in Pennsylvania, and like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing’s replaced them. And they fell through the Clinton administration, and the Bush administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not. And it’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations ..."

Why, imagine that.

By gum and Gomorrah, it does seem quite a far-fetchin’ stretch to assume that
some people may “explain their frustrations” by clinging to “religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them”.

What a nerve.

On Slate,
Melinda Henneberger and Mickey Kaus perform a syllable by syllable autopsy of the candidate’s remarks and reach some, er ... rather interesting, if not downright devious conclusions about what it all really means ...

Personally, I
blame it all on the 60’s.



From 1981, David Byrne & Brian Eno “America Is Waiting”

Friday 11 April 2008

WE’VE ALL HAD A GUTFUL

Jack Marx, on his News.com blog of April 11, 2008, spits the dummy and delivers a most righteous and admirable rant ...

“It was Demi Moore who started it back in 1991. Before then, getting pregnant was seen as something of a temporary disaster for an entertainer’s career, all photo shoots, publicity capers and public arsery put on hold while real life, quite literally, became too important for the nonsense of showbiz. Today, scoring oneself a “baby bump” is like releasing a new CD, with celebrities lining up to expose their bulging tummies to the masses, their spherical guts accompanied by leers that seem to say: “Look, everybody! I’ve been @#$%ed!”. It’s the big dick competition of the 21st century, and it’s time this childsplay were terminated.”

Continue reading “Pregnant celebrities get @#$%ed!”

Thursday 10 April 2008

THE WAR ON TOBACCO

"Hello. I'd like a packet of Winfield Red 25's, please."

"Ah. I'm sorry, we're not permitted to call them that any longer, sir."

"Oh. What are they now called, then?"

"Well, I'm not permitted to give you that information as that would constitute promotion of a dangerous and possibly deadly substance and to do so would contravene current Federal Government initiatives in the War on Tobacco."

"Do you sell cigarettes?"

"Why, yes, of course. We have over 40 varieties under the counter!"

"May I have a packet?"

"What would you like a packet of, sir?"

"Whatever Winfield Red 25's are called nowadays."

"I wouldn't know, sir. The manufacturers are no longer permitted to brand their product. We can only sell them by number."

"Number?"

"Number 1, Number 2, Number 3 ... and so on and such forth up to Number 40, or thereabouts."

"What are the strongest?"

"I'm not at liberty to say, sir. Federal laws, War on Smoking ...
the economic disadvantages to the community caused by consumption of addictive and dangerous drugs. Quite staggering it is too, sir. Did you know, for example-"

"I don't give a f**k! Gimme a packet of cigarettes!"

"What type of cigarettes, sir?"

"The strongest."

"I wouldn't know which ones they would be, sir."

"It's still legal, isn't it?"

"Oh, absolutely, sir!"

"Gimme a pack of ... 16's then ... I'll wing it."

"Pleasure. Now, as part of the Federal Government's War on Tobacco, each sale of a packet of cigarettes must now be accompanied by ... A QUIT pack - here you go ... A wall poster of a diseased lung ... A gangrenous toe ... (I'll just pop that in a bag for you) ... A copy of Professor Collins' and Lapsley's
"Estimating the Economic Costs of Drug Abuse in Australia" ... fascinating reading it is, too, if I may say so myself ... and ... hmmm ... I'm sure there's something else ... Oh, yes, a deformed foetus in a belljar."

"A deformed foetus in a belljar?"

"Smoking may harm your baby, sir."

"I don't have a f**king baby!"

"Only a matter of time, sir ... Perhaps you could use it as a hood ornament in the meantime."

SEND IN THE GOONS

The IMF estimates the sub-prime crisis will wind up costing the global economy about 1 trillion dollars in losses. When Mick Gatto's done in Singapore, perhaps he could pop off to the United States to "see a few blokes" about getting some of it back.



From 1990, Naked City “Gotham”

Wednesday 9 April 2008

A WEEKEND WITH ANDREW BOLT

29 posts in 2 days (April 5 & 6, 2008), for Christ’s sake ... (Warning: Tediously repetitious themes):

Saturday April 5th:
"Rudd more spun against"
• Evil Kevin Rudd! Kevin Rudd bad! Kevin Rudd must die!

Saturday April 5th:
"Forum"
• Fuckwit free-for-all. Evil Kevin Rudd! Kevin Rudd bad! Kevin Rudd must die!

Saturday April 5th:
"Pasquarelli paints"
• Right-wing has-been takes up “painting”! Bolt like! Painty-painty!

Saturday April 5th:
"China torched #2 - and who's in blue"
• Evil China! Evil Kevin Rudd! Kevin Rudd bad! Kevin Rudd must die!

Saturday April 5th:
"Panic more slowly about warming"
• Global warming. Evil Kevin Rudd! Kevin Rudd bad! Kevin Rudd must die!

Saturday April 5th:
"Earth Hour good, Earth Week bad"
• Global warming. Evil Kevin Rudd! Kevin Rudd bad! Kevin Rudd must die!

Saturday April 5th:
"The idea is to make you poorer"
• Global warming. Evil Kevin Rudd! Kevin Rudd bad! Kevin Rudd must die!

Saturday April 5th:
"Costello wooed"
• Come back Liberal has-been! Destroy Evil Kevin Rudd! Kevin Rudd bad! Kevin Rudd must die!

Saturday April 5th:
"Why the fibs about Earth Hour"
• Global warming. Evil Kevin Rudd! Kevin Rudd bad! Kevin Rudd must die!

Saturday April 5th:
"Same story even in Ramallah"
• Lefty on Palestinian TV! Evil lefty! Lefty must die!

Saturday April 5th:
"Beggaring black children"
• Niggers wuz better off when white folks lookee after 'em! Yowser!

Saturday April 5th:
"Plonker vs bonker"
• Lefty in London have 5 kids! Evil Lefty! Lefty must die!

Saturday April 5th:
"Now guilty until proven innocent"
• Niggers wuz better off when white folks lookee after 'em! Yowser!

Saturday April 5th:
"I Made this Marieke Hardy"
• Lefty blogger bad! Bolt good! Nyah, nyah! Lefty must die!

Saturday April 5th:
"Shh. Don't tell them about Obama"
• Lefty nigger for US President? Evil Lefty! Lefty must die!

Saturday April 5th:
"Next: he'll brief Putin about his summit"
• Evil Kevin Rudd! Kevin Rudd bad! Kevin Rudd must die!

Sunday April 6th:
"Forum"
• Fuckwit free-for-all. Evil Kevin Rudd! Kevin Rudd bad! Kevin Rudd must die!

Sunday April 6th:
"Bahnisch alerts editor"
• Lefty write for newspaper! Evil Lefty! Lefty must die!

Sunday April 6th:
"Low down from Downer"
• Come back Liberal has-been! Destroy Evil Kevin Rudd! Kevin Rudd bad! Kevin Rudd must die!

Sunday April 6th:
"I am, therefore this stinks"
• Victorian police. Ummm, er, ... Someone must die! Lefties, probably.

Sunday April 6th:
"Socialist logo recycled"
• Logo look like swastika? Evil Kevin Rudd! Kevin Rudd bad! Kevin Rudd must die!

Sunday April 6th:
"China torched #3 - Rudd now not so keen"
• Evil China! Evil Kevin Rudd! Kevin Rudd bad! Kevin Rudd must die!

Sunday April 6th:
"Hitchener trusts public withhimself"
• Newsreader admit he gay man! Woo-hoo! Big news!

Sunday April 6th:
"Adler hails Rudd, our Moses"
• Evil Kevin Rudd! Kevin Rudd bad! Kevin Rudd must die!

Sunday April 6th:
"Abbott denies Costello"
• Liberal has-been no come back? Evil Kevin Rudd! Kevin Rudd bad! Kevin Rudd must die!

Sunday April 6th:
"Half the promise, double the cost"
• Evil Kevin Rudd! Kevin Rudd bad! Kevin Rudd must die!

Sunday April 6th:
"Insiders, all right"
• Evil ABC! Evil Kevin Rudd! Kevin Rudd bad! Kevin Rudd must die! ABC too!

Sunday April 6th:
"Emperor Rudd's clothes admired"
• Evil ABC! Evil Kevin Rudd! Kevin Rudd bad! Kevin Rudd must die! ABC too!

Sunday April 6th:
"Maybe she's not really "Hillary" either"
• Lefty woman for US President? Evil Lefty! Lefty must die!

I was going to do Monday the 7th as well, but I began to get a headache. This isn’t blogging, it’s a nervous tic. And as someone who styles and refers to himself as a “journalist”, the man’s about as balanced as a cerebral palsy victim with Parkinson’s.

This is “opinionism” pure and simple. It is to “journalism” what Dan Brown is to “literature”. There is nothing, nothing whatsoever in Bolt’s multiplicity of obsessive brain farts that comes even close to resembling “reportage” or “investigation”. Instead, an exhausting series of snippy little snipes at anything and everything that can even remotely be connected or seen to connect or reflect on a “leftist” ideology or point of view, whatever the fuck that is.

It is, in a word, childish and childishly stupid. The apotheosis of infantilism. The fevered, and very possibly infectious expectorations of a thoroughly rattled individual who appears to lack the courage to actually stand as a representative of his chosen ideological position in an electorate and represent the people he purports to be mouthpiece for, preferring instead to cower behind the fences of the fourth estate lobbing spitballs into any paddock nearby whose cowpats happen to be of a shape displeasing to him.

Any attempt to engage in anything even vaguely resembling intelligent debate with this ridiculous individual and his flock of flying monkeys would be as futile an exercise as trying to thrust one's erect penis into a brick wall in the hope that the stone may yield up a little moisture.

What Bolt needs to get through his thick head for once and for all is that, back in November of 2007, the Australian electorate decided that they had had quite enough of John Howard and his government after 11 years and decided to change it. For better, or possibly for worse, that is what we have now for the next 3 years. While banging his head against a wall in petty protestations at any and all manner of perceived or imagined “faults”, no matter how
absurdly and patently inconsequential may pay Bolt’s wage, there is naught to be gained for the sad little bugger but a headache or, very possibly and most probably, brain trauma.

As for those of us who occasionally stumble into the lair of this so-called “controversial” creative tabloid typist in the vain hope that something, anything, anything at all of substance may lurk among the impenetrably thick murk that festers there, inevitably we simply find ourselves niggled by the media equivalent of a spastic blowfly valiantly attempting to shove itself up our nostrils for no reason other than the nostril is there to be niggled.

Andrew Bolt. Not evil. Stupid. Must die. Where put I the Mortein?

Tuesday 8 April 2008

ANDREW DENTON ON MENTAL ILLNESS

One would think that after watching a one hour program on the subject of mental illness that the average viewer would not be left hankering for more. Yet that is precisely what Andrew Denton managed to achieve last night (April 7, 2008) with his "Enough Rope" special "Angels and Demons".

One of the most invigorating, eye-opening and brilliantly presented programs Denton has done to date,
"Angels and Demons" avoided the mawkish sentimentality, cheap exploitative sensationalism, and the usual dreary parade of "expert" talking heads typical of so much of what is laughably called "current affairs" or "topical" television these days and, in doing so, came up with something truly special.

Whether speaking to those afflicted with mental illness or those entrusted with the care of sufferers, not once did Denton stoop to an attitude of patronising indulgence, treating all he spoke to and those who spoke to him as individuals in their own right; not "special", simply people whose day to day reality may be different from our own, but is still a reality nonetheless, and a perfectly valid one at that. This approach yielded an insight and understanding that provoked, in this viewer at least, not sympathy or sadness, but a sense of wonder and admiration for those men and women, both young and old, who daily and for much of their lives, grapple with difficulties that make most of the things the rest of us whine about on a regular basis seem the truly petty and trivial irritants that they really are.

Here was a program deserving of every accolade, every citation and superlative that may conceivably be laid before it. I'm damned if I know how Denton does it, but by Christ he does it well and has done it well for many a year now. However, with
"Angels and Demons", I feel that Denton has truly earned the mantle of Australia's finest ever media presenter and interviewer, and, possibly, one of the finest in the western world.

I doubt that even Michael Parkinson would disagree with that,
having once said to Denton "I mean ... to try and gauge a conversation and to listen so that you can actually get away from that which you planned, if it's interesting enough. And that's the biggest lesson to learn I think, as an interviewer, as you know, as you demonstrate."



From 1969, Karen Dalton “It Hurts Me Too”

Friday 4 April 2008

PROTECTING THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE AND CHILDBIRTH IN A FAITHLESS AND SECULAR AGE

A MODEST PROPOSAL FOR LEGISLATION TO BE TAKEN UNDER CONSIDERATION AS A POSSIBLE FUTURE BLUEPRINT BY OUR STATE AND FEDERAL REPRESENTATIVES. MAY GOD BLESS AND PROTECT THEM.

1. As a condition of entering into marriage (marriage herein defined as a conjugative union between an adult male person and an adult female person, adult in this respect defined as any individual over 16 years of age), all couples should be required to produce a child or children within a nominal period of three to five years (maximum) of wedlock. Should no child or children be forthcoming from the union due to physical incapacity or disability; impotence; infertility; advanced age; or professionally diagnosed medical condition (approved documentation required), a child should be assigned to the couple in question from the relevant state or territory’s Federal Government Surplus Youth Repository.

2. If any couple refuse to comply with the proposed legislation in respect of either (a) bearing a child or children, or (b) undertaking care of any child assigned to them for care, then it should be determined through application of the legislation that the marriage be declared null and void, and any and all agreements undertaken by the relevant parties either during the union or made in preparation for the union (for example, financial or property matters; prenuptial agreements) no longer be binding on either party under any circumstances.

3. Contraceptive medications and/or devices should henceforth from the date of enactment of the proposed legislation only be made available via prescription to those married couples who have successfully bred a minimum of 3 children within the nominal period of three to five years (maximum) of continual wedlock. No contraceptive medication and/or device should be prescribed to any individual or individuals who are not engaged in a conjugative union of a type that has been approved by an appropriately authorised religious faith and practitioner thereof. Unauthorised supply and consumption of contraceptive medications and/or devices should be determined an offence under the proposed legislation and punishable by law and should attract a fine and/or term of imprisonment up to, but not exceeding AU$50,000 and 5 years incarceration.

4. Under the proposed legislation, termination of a pregnancy upon request should not be permitted under any circumstances. Should the pregnancy have resulted from an occasion of alleged or confirmed sexual abuse, the carrier of the developing foetus should be provided with appropriate and comprehensive counseling by State or Federally accredited health and welfare officials until such time as the pregnancy reaches full-term, and birth of a child or children has been achieved.

5. If diagnosis determines that the pregnancy may pose a hazard to the health of the carrier of the foetus, the right of the foetus to a full life should prevail over that of the carrier in any and all cases. In such an event, appropriate and comprehensive counseling should be provided to the carrier and/or their partner so that they may adequately prepare for any ensuing trauma that may present during the pregnancy, including the possibility of the carrier’s death. In case of the latter, generous financial assistance from the Australian Federal Government’s Bereavement Bonus Fund should be made available (upon application) to the surviving spouse for a period of up to, but not exceeding 6 (six) months subsequent to the carrier’s demise.

6. Should a pregnancy be terminated due to an alleged event of miscarriage, the carrier of the foetal matter and their primary health care provider should be required by law to report the event within 7 (seven) days of occurrence to the Australian Federal Police Foetal Abuse Investigative Division (F.A.I.D.). It should be the responsibility of F.A.I.D. to engage the cooperation of all relevant parties so as to ascertain whether or not the miscarriage event was either deliberately induced by the carrier and/or her partner, or was the result of any inappropriate behaviour (for example, consumption of alcohol, tobacco, illegal drugs, unsuitable foodstuffs) that could rightly be deemed as damaging to the health of the developing foetus. Should F.A.I.D., during the course of their investigation, find that the occurrence of the event falls outside the applicable definitions of “accidental” as set out in the proposed legislation, the individual concerned should be charged under that legislation and a fine and/or term of imprisonment up to, but not exceeding AU$100,000 and 5 (five) years incarceration be imposed upon them.





From 1979, Sister Sledge "We Are Family"

Thursday 3 April 2008

FUCKING SA LIBERAL FUCKING SENATOR CORY FUCKING BERNARDI

In November 2007, having clinched the Australian Federal election, Prime Minister elect Kevin Rudd in his victory speech proclaimed that he and his team may permit themselves some time to celebrate their win with a strong cup of tea and an Iced Vovo biscuit after which, celebrations would cease and they would all get down to business.

What a fun guy.

Thus was ushered into being the genesis of what may well become known as The Age of The Insufferably Prissy Little Tool (T.A.T.I.P.L.T).

Over the subsequent few months, all manner of Insufferably Prissy Little Tools have been rattling their daisy-chains at all manner of perceived ills and evils that are, apparently, holding society and civilisation at ransom, threatening the very fabric of community and communal standards at large, not to mention the minds and precious bodily fluids of "the children".

Yes, "the children". Them again.

The "children" are
getting drunk and something should be done. Their parents are spending far too much time playing poker machines and "working families", that is to say, people with children are suffering terribly for it. Something should be done. And lurking behind every link on every website that anyone, especially "the children", could conceivably click lurks a million-billion-billion images of child pornography, therefore, about the internet "something should be done". And anyone who disagrees with this view is, obviously, a pervert, according to Labor Senator Stephen Conroy, the new Minister for Broadband, Communications and the Digital Economy.

Moral panic is the new black. Moral panic about anything. Anything at all.

For example, this appeared on
News.com.au April 2nd, 2008 ...

HAPPY snaps of Stephanie Rice partying have been deemed too raunchy for Swimming Australia, with all of the swimmers ordered to block public access to their Facebook profile pages. Swimming Australia media director Ian Hanson confirmed the organisation had taken the step in consultation with the Beijing-bound Dolphins team management.

"It's something we had counselled them on in the past two years to be careful of," he said.

"Some of the photos were somewhat distasteful and we thought it was best that they took a bit more care."


"Shock! Horror! Young Athletes Dress Up and Have A Party!!", the byline may as well read. Distasteful? Raunchy ... ? What?

This ... ?



I've seen more raunch in a K-Mart ad for discount lingerie.

Yet, not to be outdone in the Moral Panic-Family Values-Won't Somebody Think of The Children Obsessive Compulsive Disorders that currently afflict the plague of moral guardians that so infect the commonweal these days, along comes
Fucking South Australian Liberal Fucking Senator Cory Fucking Bernardi and his recent call for a GOVERNMENT INQUIRY no less, into Gordon Fucking Ramsey's Fucking "Kitchen Nightmares", a fucking television program wherein Gordon Fucking Ramsey spends a good deal of time cursing his fucking head off at a bunch of fucking blockheads who think they can run a fucking restaurant when, in fucking fact, it becomes perfectly obvious during the course of the fucking program that said fucking blockheads couldn't run a fucking tap or a fucking lap around a fucking wading pool without a fucking book of illustrated instructions. Even then, they'd fucking fail if it weren't for Gordon Fucking Ramsey screaming at them, that, if they want to get anywhere near success in their ill-advised fucking ventures, it would be best if they’d pull their fucking heads from out of their fucking arses and wake up to their fucking selves.

According to the ABC report, Fucking Senator Cory Fucking Bernardi believes there’s a “need for Federal Parliament ... to discuss how to go about establishing just what is acceptable to the community when it comes to swearing on television.”

(It’s well worth remembering at this point that Fucking Senator Cory Fucking Bernardi is a member of that same political party who, during its term in office,
advocated, implemented and defended the institutionalisation of child abuse in this country as an effective means of protecting our fair shores from so-called “illegals”, that is to say, refugees, so protestations from fucking little corn pones like Fucking Senator Fucking Bernardi about declines in community standards is nothing more than breathtakingly shameless fucking hypocrisy writ very fucking large indeed. Fucking arsehole.)

Unsurprisingly, Fucking Senator Cory Fucking Bernardi
insists that he’s no fucking wowser in much the same manner as a racist will insist that he’s no fucking racist, he’s just got a bit of a fucking problem with all these fucking niggers who’ve been moving into the fucking neighborhood of late.

Mercifully, Fucking Senator Cory Fucking Bernardi has promised the inquiry will be quite fucking brief. Yet the whole idea of launching an inquiry into a Scottish chef’s use of the word “fuck” and it’s variations on a television program that one may freely choose to watch or avoid has got to be up there with Liberal Senator Concetta Fierravanti-Wells
scrutiny of Kevin Rudd’s pets toilet habits for an exercise in anal retentive time-wasting.

As Marieke Hardy wrote in her excellent Age column on the matter ...

Kitchen Nightmares is dirty, it's pacey and it's engaging. And if Cory Bernardi doesn't like it, he can simply fuck off and watch something else.”

Very fine fucking advice.

TRUANCY AS A VIRTUE

My published contribution to the letters page of The Sydney Morning Herald of April 3, 2008 in response to this hysterical twaddle ...

“As a former student of Narwee Boys High School during the 1970s, the same school Mr Iemma attended, I had occasion to play truant many times. This was my choice, not that of my parents, nor a reflection upon them. Fortunately, it appears to have had little impact on my subsequent life, having spent the last 30 years in responsible and respectable employment. Mr Iemma, however, wound up becoming a state Labor politician.”

Tuesday 1 April 2008

AND NOW, THE GOOD NEWS ...

WHEN YOU’VE NOTHING TO REPORT, REPORT IT ANYWAY ...

From today’s Sydney Morning Herald ...

“Senator Obama is believed to have raised with Mr Rudd comments made by John Howard last year, where the former prime minister said that al-Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden would be praying for an Obama victory because it would help the militants win in Iraq.”

“Senator Obama is understood to have told Mr Rudd about his fond memories of Sydney.”

“Senator Obama is believed to have expressed a desire to be a partner of Australia on climate change and China.”

For fuck’s sake.