ARSEWIPE? ...

Use bumstick …



(Spotted on Slate.)

DANGER! WHITEGOODS!

Noted in today’s New York Times ...

“The Last House on the Left” is rated R (Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian). Characters are raped, stabbed, shot, mangled and fed to labor-saving devices.

Sweet.

OUT OF OFFICE, OUT OF MIND

"Office 2" from Catch The Fire Ministries writes ...

I know President Obama is not Muslim, but I am tempted nevertheless to think that he is, as are most Muslims I know.

Most of the Muslims you know are Muslim?

Well, bugger me. What a shock.

The things you learn from the interwebs.

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER OCEAN

Oceans are big.

…

And they're full of water.

…

Fish live there.

…

Sharks are very big fish.

…

Learn to fucking live with it, okay?

UPDATE: The above was published in the Sydney Morning Herald March 3rd (minus the dots and expletive.)

ICE CREAM FOR GEORGE!

In the United States, "Ben & Jerry’s" began a competition to create a new flavour ice-cream in honour of the newly elected President before finally settling on “Yes Pecan!”.

And while there is no truth in the rumour that they also asked people to suggest names for a George W. Bush ice-cream flavour, that didn’t stop Keith Olbermann from reading out a few (selectively edited for propriety) ideas …

Here’s the full uncensored list …

Grape Depression

Abu Grape

Cluster Fudge

Nut'n Accomplished

Iraqi Road

Chock 'n Awe

WireTapioca

Impeach Cobbler

Guantanmallow

imPeachmint

Good Riddance You Lousy Motherfucker... Swirl

Heck of a Job, Brownie!

Neocon Politan

RockyRoad to Fascism

The Reese's-cession

Cookie D'oh!

The Housing Crunch

Nougalar Proliferation

Death by Chocolate... and Torture

Freedom Vanilla Ice Cream

Chocolate Chip On My Shoulder

You're Shitting In My Mouth And Calling It A Sundae

Credit Crunch

Mission Pecanplished

Country Pumpkin

Chunky Monkey in Chief

George Bush Doesn't Care About Dark Chocolate

WMDelicious

Chocolate Chimp

Bloody Sundae

Caramel Preemptive Stripe

I Broke the Law and Am Responsible for the Deaths of Thousands...with Nuts

SLIMEY EGG WHITES?

Only $9.95 and you need worry no more!!! ...

(Sourced from Living in Cinema)

HUH?

You're giving me money?

Shit.

It goes on the credit card.

Thanks.

UPDATE: Well, that was a short-lived hope. Thanks a bunch, Malcolm.

Cunt.

I'M NOT FALLING FOR IT

Some clever group of individuals have managed to hack their way into the White House website and photoshopped a young, skinny black guy in place as President of the United States ...

... It's pretty clever, too. They've got official looking documents about real sounding things, a bunch of names that seem genuine enough (for example, no "Richard Heads" or obvious giveaways like that), videos and a there’s a whole bunch of photographs about of a so-called "inauguration" that was supposed to have taken place on January 20, 2009 …

Bwah-ha.

I suspect it's just another one of those viral campaigns that have become popular the last few years and wouldn't be at all surprised if it turns out to be for some movie we haven't yet heard about ...

... An imaginary biopic perhaps about a black POTUS? Morgan Freeman would probably turn up at some point ... Or an adaptation of another Philip K. Dick story, something about paranoia and split personalities and identity crises and such ...

That could be good.

I’m glad they’ve found an unfamiliar face for the role, too. I’m getting sick of seeing Will Smith in every bloody thing lately.

The man should take some time off and give us a fucking break for a while.

ATTACK OF THE WEEING WOMEN’S BABY-KILLING ALIEN ACID PEE!!!!

According to the president of the International Federation of Catholic Medical Associations …

“The pill "has for some years had devastating effects on the environment by releasing tonnes of hormones into nature" through female urine”

"We have sufficient evidence to state that a non-negligible cause of male infertility in the West is the environmental pollution caused by the pill," he said, without elaborating further.

You can’t make this stuff up.

Although it gives good material for a catchy headline.

PENNE?

It's life Jim, but not as we know it ...

A MAN caught by police with his penis in a pasta sauce jar was still pleasuring himself while resisting arrest, a court has been told.

Police thought he might have a weapon because they saw him doing something with his hands in his lap, the Herald said.

Instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar, a police statement said.

Jar jar bonking.



From 1979, Amii Stewart “Knock On Wood”

AH, CRAP …

Oops.

…

…

Monday, October 10th, 2008 will be the first day.

Sheesh.

This ain't gonna be pretty.

I PROMISE ...

If Barack Obama is elected President of the United States on Wednesday 5th October, 2008 (Australia time), I promise that, after 30 years, I will give up smoking.

Seriously.

THE DAY I RUINED THE WORLD

WHAT A SURPRISE ...

"Penis amputated without man's consent"

You don't say.

BUSH OR BATMAN?

From SecretPants.net, average Americans are asked to identify the original speaker of various quotes. Was it Bush or Batman?

Watch out specially for the old bloke in the white t-shirt with the magazines …

I WANT TO BELIEVE

So, not only does Federal Government MP Belinda Neal not swear, she's also in the habit of striking up random conversations with vicars ...

By the way, did you know that "Hamlet" was written by a monkey? Also, Hannibal Lecter's a vegetarian.



From ?, Terry Jones & the BBC “Flying Penguins”

HOW TO MAKE A SKULL BONG

I read about this on the weekend and it set me to wondering ...

"The Kingwood teenager's story of decapitating a corpse and using the head to smoke marijuana was so outlandish that at first Houston Police Department senior police officer Jim Adkins did not believe it."

Thankfully, Arthur Delaney from Slate has provided an explanation.

Now I know.

NOW THAT WE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION ...

Browsing San Francisco’s Village Voice the other day, I came across this headline and could not but help click on it ...

CAN I SUE SOMEBODY FOR FISTING-INDUCED FIBROMYALGIA?

Q. Do you know any lawyers willing to take on a personal-injury suit concerning fisting-induced fibromyalgia? When I call local personal-injury lawyers here in Eugene, Oregon, they get all flustered. —Fisting Fallout

A."It is a little controversial whether fibromyalgia is a real disease at all or just a mysterious constellation of symptoms," says Dr. Barak Gaster, Savage Love's resident medical expert. "Most mainstream doctors accept it as real, but it's still in the slightly dubious category." Fibromyalgia's constellation of symptoms include fatigue, generalized pain, irritable bowel syndrome, headaches, and roughly 400 other complaints. But you fibromyalgia sufferers have arrived: There's a new drug on the market with a goofy name (Lyrica), an annoying ad campaign (courtesy of Pfizer), and its own constellation of possible side effects (hives, difficulty breathing, swelling of the tongue, dizziness, sleepiness, blurred vision, etc.). But fisting-induced fibromyalgia? Maybe skidmarkalgia can be induced by fisting, FF, but not fibromyalgia. "That would NOT be considered credible in any real way whatsoever," says Dr. Gaster. You may have fibromyalgia, FF, and you may have been fisted before your diagnosis, but there's no relationship, and no personal-injury lawyer is going to take your case.

Righto, then. That clears that up.



From 1980 “Cruising” Trailer