Thursday, 10 April 2008


"Hello. I'd like a packet of Winfield Red 25's, please."

"Ah. I'm sorry, we're not permitted to call them that any longer, sir."

"Oh. What are they now called, then?"

"Well, I'm not permitted to give you that information as that would constitute promotion of a dangerous and possibly deadly substance and to do so would contravene current Federal Government initiatives in the War on Tobacco."

"Do you sell cigarettes?"

"Why, yes, of course. We have over 40 varieties under the counter!"

"May I have a packet?"

"What would you like a packet of, sir?"

"Whatever Winfield Red 25's are called nowadays."

"I wouldn't know, sir. The manufacturers are no longer permitted to brand their product. We can only sell them by number."


"Number 1, Number 2, Number 3 ... and so on and such forth up to Number 40, or thereabouts."

"What are the strongest?"

"I'm not at liberty to say, sir. Federal laws, War on Smoking ...
the economic disadvantages to the community caused by consumption of addictive and dangerous drugs. Quite staggering it is too, sir. Did you know, for example-"

"I don't give a f**k! Gimme a packet of cigarettes!"

"What type of cigarettes, sir?"

"The strongest."

"I wouldn't know which ones they would be, sir."

"It's still legal, isn't it?"

"Oh, absolutely, sir!"

"Gimme a pack of ... 16's then ... I'll wing it."

"Pleasure. Now, as part of the Federal Government's War on Tobacco, each sale of a packet of cigarettes must now be accompanied by ... A QUIT pack - here you go ... A wall poster of a diseased lung ... A gangrenous toe ... (I'll just pop that in a bag for you) ... A copy of Professor Collins' and Lapsley's
"Estimating the Economic Costs of Drug Abuse in Australia" ... fascinating reading it is, too, if I may say so myself ... and ... hmmm ... I'm sure there's something else ... Oh, yes, a deformed foetus in a belljar."

"A deformed foetus in a belljar?"

"Smoking may harm your baby, sir."

"I don't have a f**king baby!"

"Only a matter of time, sir ... Perhaps you could use it as a hood ornament in the meantime."

No comments: