Tuesday, 9 September 2008


We had previously received a number of comments from staff concerning the general condition and cleanliness of the office toilet facilities and did at that time attempt to convey to staff the need to maintain these facilities in a relatively hygienic fashion for the benefit of us all. However, we really just couldn’t be bothered any more as many of you appear to be thicker than a swimming pool deck and so repellently filthy that the proverbial shithouse rat is beginning to look like June Dally-Watkins in comparison.

So, in future, when using the toilets, by all means please:

1. Go ahead and urinate in the sink.

2. Smear your faeces over the walls. While you’re at it, write a verse or two.

3. Please use your indelible makeup to scribble on the mirror and benchtops.

4. Throw your bloated, befouled tampons wherever. Why not toss them to the ceiling and see if they stick?

5. Don’t use toilet paper! Just drag your saggy arse across the floor and make sure you press your shit into the grouting as you go. The cleaners are grateful for the overtime.

6. If you do use toilet paper, don’t put it in the bowl, the floor’s there for a reason too, you know.

7. Wash your hands? Nah. Go and rub them all over the biscuits in the lunchroom upstairs.

8. Hepatitis is a real buzz if you can get the right drugs, so don’t bother with soap.

9. Hide your discarded syringes in places where other people might sit on them. What a hoot. Whoopsy!

10. Last, but by no means least, don’t flush that big brown thing, you silly nong! The people who come in after you are really keen to have a look-see.

Thank you all.


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